Someone is coming

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..’

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’ Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

Clearing his throat, he stammered ……. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming …………….. that was me

Do you know what I think?

Fred and Mary get married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Is Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, he comes home and asks, “Is Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “OK! What do you think?”

He says, “Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

Oh God,I’m coming!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!”

If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

Hold on, let me get my hat

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.
The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.” His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to.
The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”
He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

You got a heart murmur

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.

” The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”