Melvin

Melvin

A young girl who was writing a paper for the school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.
” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!” The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin, have there been any calls for me?”

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Golfing days

Golfing days

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
“Are you okay? What’s your name?”
“It’s Sam, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
“Sam,” she said, “Forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive … I was weak.
“Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “My wife won’t like it.” After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”.
I said, “Still under the golf cart, I guess…”

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Random jokes

Random jokes

“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”. “But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”. “I know, son”

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After lunch!

What do we want?
A ccccccuuure for stutttttterrrring!
When do we want it?
N N NNN N N N N… Soon!

What do we want?
A cure for Alzheimers!
When do we want it?
What do we want?

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Little Johnny knows everything

Little Johnny knows everything

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” … Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out…..

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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Sleepy sermon

Sleepy sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said,

“Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

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Kids shopping

Kids shopping

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,

“There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies.”

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.” He replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. ”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

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Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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Best surgeons in the world!

Best surgeons in the world!

Three of the best surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in the world. In one operation, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and eight months later he performed brilliantly at a sold-out concert at Carnegie Hall.”.

The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he won a Gold Medal in a track and field event in the Olympics.”.

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a crazy man rode a horse head-on into a train traveling eighty miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man’s blonde hair and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now, he’s the President of the United States!”

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Engineers vs. pole

Engineers vs. pole

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty-one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

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