Posts made in January, 2011

Convict breaks into a house

Convict breaks into a house

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.  He jumps on the wife and kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.  The husband whispers to his wife “satisfy him or he’ll kill us.  I saw the way he kissed you… just be strong, I love you”.  The wife replies “he didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he’s gay, horny and looking for Vaseline.  I told him “it’s in the bathroom.  Let’s see who’s fuckin’ strong now”?

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Paddy on a diet

Paddy on a diet

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.  “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks.  You should lose 5lbs”.  When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st.  “That’s amazing” the doctor says… Paddy nodded, “I’ll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day”.  “What, from hunger?” asks the doctor.  “No, from all da fuckin’ skippin” says Paddy.

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Egg vs. boiling water

Egg vs. boiling water

Q: what did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: give me a minute to get hard i just came out of this chick

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Sore fanny

Sore fanny

A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny. The doctor gets out some scissors and snips around a bit.  The dwarf says “ooh, that feels much better, what have you done”?  The doctor says “I’ve trimmed the tops off your wellies”!

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What do you tell ?

What do you tell ?

“What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes??”

“Nothing……she’s already been told twice”

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Three strings

Three strings

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar. The bar door has a sign that says “No string allowed”

The first piece of string tries his luck and walks in and sits at the bar. “Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “Hey, the sign says no string… get the fuck out of here!”

So, the string leaves.

The second piece of string tries his luck and walks in and sits at the bar. “Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “I just told your mate we dont serve string here… OUT!”

So, the second string leaves.

The third piece of string says “Right, this calls for drastic measures!”, twists and ties himself a few times in the middle, and finally fluffs up one end of himself into a tuft, then strolls in and sits down at the bar.

“Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “Hey, arent you a piece of string?”

“No”, he says…….. “I’m a frayed knot”…..

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Irish priest

Irish priest

Little Irish lad crying by the side of the road,a passer by says

“Whats wrong son?”

Lad says “Me ma just died”

“Oh Jaysus” the man says. “D’ya want me to fetch Father O’Reilly?”

“No thanks” says the boy, “Sex is the last thing on my mind right now”!

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Mouse vs pussy

Mouse vs pussy

A mouse finds a Viagra tablet on the floor and eats it. 10 minutes later he’s strutting round the place shouting, “WHERE’S THE FUCKIN PUSSY NOW ???!!!”

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Welsh kids

Welsh kids

We were driving down the motorway, and my girlfriend says: “The kids in the next car are Welsh”
I asked: “How do you know that ?”
She replied: “They were writing on the window: !!!stit ruoy su wohS”

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Cat at school

Cat at school

TEACHER: “James, why is your cat at school with you today”?

JAMES (crying): “I heard the postman tell Mummy: When the kids go to school I’m going to eat your pussy!”.

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