Posts made in October, 2011

A 6 foot penguin

A 6 foot penguin

… A man races inside a bar, panicking, sweating and downright worried. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling:
“Does anyone own a 6 foot penguin ?” “does anyone own a 6 foot penguin ?”

.. Slowly all the patrons shake their head, all apologising as they cannot help the guy…

… This guys lowers his head, and as he walks out of the bar, he whispers to himself ….”fuck, i hit a nun”……

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Why trick or treat is better than sex

Why trick or treat is better than sex

10)  You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9)  If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6)  It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else…because you are.
5)  Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4)  If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.
3)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2)  Less guilt the morning after.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX……

1)  YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD

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Dave the Postman

Dave the Postman

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the Postman,” he confided.

“What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?”

“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.

“Why would Dave the Postman want to fuck that?”

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Nuns in the USA

Nuns in the USA

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the
other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do.”
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, “Hot dogs, get your dogs
here,” and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

“Two dogs, please!” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a
bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other
nun and in a soft brogue whispers……

“What part did you get?”

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Image joke – Gambling

Image joke – Gambling

Response ………..

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Still believe in goblins

Still believe in goblins

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me!”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”

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New girlfriend

New girlfriend

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It’s obvious, she can’t hold down a fucking job …

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Thai girls

Thai girls

Went to bed with 2 Thai girls last night – it was like winning the lottery!

We had 6 matching balls :((

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Evil women

Evil women

A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, “Lenny proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you sad?” her mother asks.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist,” the girl responds. “Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replies, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

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Terrible winking problem

Terrible winking problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

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