Posts made in January, 2012

Wine tasting for the pros

Wine tasting for the pros

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, “It’s a  Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.
“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”
“Correct.”
A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant … and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father.”

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Bob vs. the doctor

Bob vs. the doctor

Bob asked his Doctor if he ever laughed at a patient …

“In 30 years i haven’t.  I do my best to remain professional”
With that, Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest Willy the Doctor had ever seen ,
It was no bigger than an AAA battery .
The Doctor pissed him self with Laughter , he wipes his tears away takes a deep breath and says , I really am sorry it wont happen again .
Now how can i help you what is the problem.
“Bob says it’s badly swollen”

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Wife vs. erection tablets

Wife vs. erection tablets

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.

I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

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They got teeth down there !!!

They got teeth down there !!!

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. “Get your hand out of there!”
She shouts. “Don’t you know that women have teeth down there?”
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he’s 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.  After an hour of making out, she says, “You know, you could go a little further if you want.”
What do you mean?” he asks.
“Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?” she says, pointing to her crotch.
“Hell no,” he cries, “You’ve got teeth down there!”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no such thing as teeth down there!”
“Yes, there are,” he says, “my mum told me so.”
“No, there aren’t,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
“No, I’m sorry” he says. “My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for crying out loud!” she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, “LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I’m not surprised!”

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Labour government: UK vs. The World

Labour government: UK vs. The World

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

————————————————————————

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing ‘We shall overcome’.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain ‘s apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers’ drug ‘illness’.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain ‘s multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

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Jack Daniels – Fishing Story

Jack Daniels – Fishing Story

I  went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good  bass bait.

Knowing the  snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him  right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting  bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little  whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the  frog.

A little later,  I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs…

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