Posts made in February, 2012

Bus friends

Bus friends

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.  So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

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Irish milionnaire

Irish milionnaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? ”

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue..” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …”

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is.”

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“Because he lives in a clock!”

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The maid needs a raise

The maid needs a raise

The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: “Now Gloria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Gloria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Gloria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Gloria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Gloria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did did he???”
Gloria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife: … Really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?”
Gloria: “No Señora…… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So… How much do you want?”

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70 Years old grandma birthday present

70 Years old grandma birthday present

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”  She looked through the phone
book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a veryhandsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right  muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum…..

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.  “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’ m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “9” for an outside line.”

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Expiration date

Expiration date

Wife: Honey….. What are you looking for ?
Husband : Nothing…
Wife : Nothing…?? You`ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ???
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date …

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Men / Women friendship

Men / Women friendship

PROOF THAT MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS THAN WOMEN:

Wife didn’t come home last night. The next morning, she told her husband that she slept at a friend’s house. Husband phones her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it.

One night husband didn’t come home. The next morning he told her that he slept at a friend’s house. Wife phones his 10 best friends …

8 confirm that he slept over and 2 keep insisting that he was still there.

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