Posts made in March, 2012

Hearing problems in the kitchen

Hearing problems in the kitchen

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.
Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?”

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence – no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

Read More

Tricky windows

Tricky windows

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.
“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.
“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.
“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Read More

Can’t take that chance

Can’t take that chance

John went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, John’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificate in hand, John went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told John that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 he told John, and in most cases the persons responsible for the remains of their loved ones decide to bury the body in Israel, which would only cost $150.

John thought for some time and answered, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing John’s reply, said, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the
difference in price.”

“No, it’s not that,” says John. “You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Read More

Dancing act …

Dancing act …
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank.

He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“I am not dancing,” the armless man replied bitterly. “My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it….

Read More

Son going to college

Son going to college

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”

Read More

Jesus born in a manger

Jesus born in a manger

A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read: “Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.

Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.

The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”

The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”

Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”

The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”

Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.

The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME SORRY ASS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A ROOM”

Read More

Why research is needed

Why research is needed

FACT :-  more money is spent on boob-jobs & viagra than on alzheimers research!

By 2040 the elderly will have perky boobs & raging stiff cocks, but no fucking idea why!!

Read More

Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy and murphy were watching a John Wayne movie. Paddy said to Murphy: “I bet you 5$ John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Murphy said: “Ok Paddy”, so there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff. Paddy turns round to Murphy: “I told you what would happen”.  Murphy said: “You’re right Paddy, there you go the 5$” .

Paddy thinks, and in the end said: “I fell very cheeky here Murphy”. “Why that Paddy?”

“Because I’ve seen this film before”.

Murphy says:  “So have I but I didn`t expect him to make the same mistake twice” …

Read More

Scuba divers

Scuba divers

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

Read More

A deal is a deal

A deal is a deal

See I had This problem with stuttering so I wen’t to the Doctor to see if there was anything that could be done about it.

After about two hours and $2000.00 worth of tests the Doctors says: “Oh I see”

So I said,”W ww  wwwwell is t t there anything yyyyy you cccccc can ddddd do?”

Doc says, ” Well the problem seems to be that your junk is to large and it’s pulling on your speech related muscles causing you to stutter.”

” Ca cc can you ff  f fix it? ” says I.

“Well sure we just have to cut away a chunk of your junk and sew the top back on and you’ll be as good as new”

Like that is as easy thing to do! (>_<)

So, I told the Doc to go ahead and get it done.

Two weeks after the surgery my stuttering was gone and my speech was fine, but, I couldn’t satisfy my wife any longer, (no pun intended), and she threatened to leave me. I love my wife very much and would do anything to keep her. So off to the Doctor I went.

I got into the exam room and came right out and said, “Doc I have to have it back! My wife is going to leave me because I can’t satisfy her any more. So I need you to reverse the operation.”

The Doctor looks me square in the eye and says, ” A Dddd a ddd a dd deals a ddd deal!!!!”

Read More
Page 1 of 212