Posts made in November, 2014

Pussy willows

Pussy willows

A man sitting in a chair on his porch sees two boys walking past his house. He asks “What do you have there?” One boy says “We got chicken wire.” The man says “What are you going to do?” “We’re gonna catch chickens.” The man laughs “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
An hour later the boys walk past the man with chickens in their arms. “Amazing” mumbled the man.
The boys were walking again. The man asked “What’s that in your hands?” “It’s duct tape. We’re gonna catch ducks.” The man chuckles “You can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
An hour later the boys walk by with ducks under their arms. “I’ll be damned.” the man says.
The boys are walking past the mans house again. The man asks ” What’s under your arms boys?” The boy replies “Pussy willows.” The man stands up and says “What a second. I’ll get my coat.”

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Suicide line

Suicide line

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.

When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a Cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to…

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The cure for snoring

The cure for snoring

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog’s penis he’ll roll over and stop snoring.

The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog’s penis. His snoring stopped.

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s penis, and he stops snoring as well.

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself.

He says, “I don’t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second.”

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The pickle slicer

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion… He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed..
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.
‘Yes, I did.’ he replied…
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.

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The vet

The vet

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

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Two dogs humping

Two dogs humping

A man and his son are walking down the road and see two dogs humping in a lawn. The son asks his dad, “Why are they doing that?”

Thinking quickly, the father replies, “The dog on top hurt his paw so the other one is helping him walk.”

The kid replies, “Figures… You try to help somebody and they just screw you.”

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Cost effective assassin

Cost effective assassin

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, “It’s going to cost you $1000 per bullet.”

The man says, “What if you miss?”

The assassin replies, “I don’t miss.”

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, “I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off.”

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, “Aren’t you going to shoot?”

The assassin replies, “Hold up, I think I can save you $1000.”

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Premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation

A woman went out for a first date and was upset when the bloke stood her up.

The next morning she called him to find out why.

“I’m really sorry,” he apologised. “The reason I didn’t turn up is that I suffer from premature ejaculation.”

Although she was still miffed, the sympathetic girl decided to hear him out.

“Thanks for being honest,” she said. “But why would premature ejaculation make you stand me up? It’s not like we were even having sex yet.”

“The thing is,” he sighed, “I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant. After that, I just didn’t see the point in paying for your dinner.”

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Journalist discovery

Journalist discovery

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that muslim women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.” Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?” The guide answered, “Land mines.”

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