Posts made in July, 2015

Not too drunk

Not too drunk

Three drunk guys decided to share a taxi. The taxi driver noticed how drunk they were and decided to take advantage of them. So, he simply started the car, pressed the gas pedal once, then turned off the engine.

He then turned to the men in the cab and said, “We have reached your destination”.

The first guy gave the driver some money and stumbled out of the taxi. The second guy also paid the driver and said “Thank you” as he left the cab.

The 3rd guy turned around and slapped the driver in the face.

The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he had done.

But then he asked “What was that for?”

The third guy replied, “Control your speed better next time, buddy! You nearly killed us!”

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Toilet jokes lol

Toilet jokes lol

I was in the mall and needed to use the public restroom.

I had just barely sat down on the commode when I heard a voice in the other stall next to mine.

Stall: “Hi, how are you?”

Me: (embarrassed) “Ummmm…Doin’ fine, I guess!”

Stall: “So what are you up to?”

Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”

Stall: “Can I come over?”

Me: (attitude) “No you can’t! I’m a little busy right now!”

Stall: (momentary silence) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”

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Hunting for ducks

Hunting for ducks

Curly went hunting one day up in the Northern Territory and bagged three ducks.  He put them in the back of his Pickup and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn’t like hunters.

The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting licence, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory licence.  The game warden looked at the licence, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, “This duck ain’t from The Territory.  This is a Queensland duck.  You got a Queensland huntin’ licence?”

Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland licence.  The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said “This ain’t a Queensland duck.  This duck’s from West Australia.  You got a West Australian huntin’ licence?”

Curly reached into his wallet and produced a West Australian hunting licence.  The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, “This ain’t a Western Australian duck.  This duck’s from South Australia.  You got a South Australian Huntin’ licence?”

Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Australian licence.  The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly “just where the hell are you from?”

Curly smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, *”You tell me.  You’re the expert…”*

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Lost my teeth last night

Lost my teeth last night

I was in the “Texas Rose” tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a big o’l, butt-ugly heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said,  “Hey sexy, I dig old guys — how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do”.

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday

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VIP Party

VIP Party

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there.

“Name’s Billy Bob… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… having a party Saturday… thought you`d like to come.”

“Great,” says Dick, “after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. “More`n`likely gonna be some fightin` too.”

Darn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. “I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that`s not a problem” says Dick, “Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there… by the way, what should I wear?”

Billy Bob stops at the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us…”

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Big dick issues

Big dick issues

A man with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said: “I can’t live with this anymore! It’s too long.”

The doctor replied: “I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you.”

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said: “Go into the swamp and meet a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She’ll say “No”, and you’ll lose 5 inches off your member!”

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her: “Will you marry me?”

“No!”, she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again: “Will you marry me?”

The frog said, “No!”

And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked, “Will you marry me?”

And the frog said: “How many times do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO! NO!”

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