Posts made in May, 2017

Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.
Ed says ” What should we do?”
Bill says, “You better jump in after him, he’s been under water for a while, he might need some help.”
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, “Help me get him in the boat.”
They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, “What do we do now, it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.”
Bill says, “Give him mouth to mouth.”
Ed starts to blow air into Fred’s mouth and says,
“Whoa, I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath.”
Bill says, “Come to think of it, I don’t think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either.”

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Hickory dickory dock

Hickory dickory dock

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ ”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock…”

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What they want and what they get

What they want and what they get

What women want

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What they get

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says “I Do”, beginning with the wedding cake!

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I’ll have it enlarged

I’ll have it enlarged

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

“Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.

“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.

“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. “I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds and gets his picture then heading for a shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

“Why are you wearing that towel now – I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife. The Husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. “I’ll have it enlarged,” she finally responds.

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I spent the night with Shirley!

I spent the night with Shirley!

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?” the friend replied.

“So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!”

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Re-bait the trap

Re-bait the trap

Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads:

FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at 30,000. Please advise.

Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: –

FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

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Sweets or money!?

Sweets or money!?

I don’t know what’s happening in this country. You’ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It’s a nightmare – you don’t know whether to carry sweets or money.

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Hans in Orlando

Hans in Orlando

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Euros?”

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Things I’ve Learned From Watching Movies

Things I’ve Learned From Watching Movies

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact

Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

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Pink bits taste amazing!

Pink bits taste amazing!

Scientists have found that women share the same DNA as prawns. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste amazing!!

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