Posts made in May, 2017

Stiff as a board

Stiff as a board

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

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Auctions

Auctions

Wife: “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife: “Those they gave away.”

Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

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Can’t even …

Can’t even …

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said: “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”

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200 bucks

200 bucks

One day at home a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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I need a saw!

I need a saw!

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

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Pants are relative

Pants are relative

Yesterday my next door neighbor accused me of stealing washing off her line – said she was gonna call the cops…

I was so worried I nearly shit her pants!

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The little girl

The little girl

A 12-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, “Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,

“Hey kid, I will give you $20 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and Says, “Okay kid, I will give you $30 and a BIG BIG bag Of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily; “Look, Daddy, YOU bought a Yamaha instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!”

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Denise

Denise

Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘ Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh, no! Not Bubba; he’s an idiot!’

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’

‘Denise,’ the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, ‘Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name, Denise.

‘What’s the boy’s name?’

The doctor replies, ‘Denephew.’

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Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer

Story  from a Kansas State Highway  Patrol officer

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something in her body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console.

Now I had to ask one more time if that was all.

She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a fucking thing!”

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The tuna sandwich

The tuna sandwich

A funny new trend at the office: 
People putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

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