Posts made in May, 2017

Parent similarities

Parent similarities

My girlfriend was reading in a magazine that men are attracted to women that resemble their mothers. She said, “You’ve never told me about your parents, what was your mother like?”

I said, “I don’t remember them. They died when our plane crashed in Africa when I was six months old. I survived and was raised by a hippo.”

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Without drinking and golf …

Without drinking and golf …

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked,
“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

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At the gates of Heaven

At the gates of Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted,

“It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

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Always a repairman

Always a repairman

An Englishman an American and an Irishman had been caught by the French and were about to face madam Guillotine. To show how brave they were each chose to face the blade:

First went the American but the blade jammed and as it must have been an act of God he was set free.
The Englishman was next but the same thing happened and he was set free.
The Irishman took his place praying and crossing himself hoping he to would be spared.

Just as the executioner was about the operate the trip lever the Irishman says “Just a minute, I think I can see the problem!”

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How life should be

How life should be

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What’s that…a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you’re generally promiscuous (hey, you’ve only got a few years left, what’s the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

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B-R-O-W-N

B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, “howdy, ma’am. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

Well, she didn’t know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.

He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him, “howdy, suh. My name’s Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah’m from Dallas, Texas. Ah’m 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah’m white from th’ top of mah head to th’ tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish.”

The little fellow turned to him, “well now, how d’ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O’Donnell. I’m from Dublin, Ireland. I’m 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I’m white from the top o’ me head to the tip o’ me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N.”

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They fast

They fast

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

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Graveyard

Graveyard

Why are there fences around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in.

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Paddy’s lunch!

Paddy’s lunch!

Working on a building site 22 stories high, an Irishman, an Englishman, and an Australian sit down to lunch every day.

Aussie ‘Jonesy’ opens up his lunch box and finds another Vegemite sandwich. “For fuck’s sake, ” he says. “I am sick to death of this shit, day in day out. If my wife packs this tomorrow I’m jumping off!!”
Paddy then opens his up and once again, a Potato sandwich appears. “Wel, I’m in as well Jonesy. If I get another Tottie Sandwich, I’m jumping!!”
Then Pommy Dave opens up his lunch to find the usual Cucumber and Cheese sandwich. “Righty o’ lads, I’ll be coming too if I get this shite again.”

So the following day all three sit down at lunch time ready to eat. Jonesy opens up his lunch box, and sure as shit, it’s another Vegemite Sanga! “That’s it, lads, I’m done!” And without hesitation, he jumps off.
“Fuck me,” says Dave. “I guess Jonesy wasn’t lying. If this is cucumber, I better hold up my end.” Dave takes one look, and closes his eyes and jumps!
“Well, I’ll be fooked!” Paddy says to himself. “I’m gonna have to jump if this is fookin` Potato again.” Sure enough, it’s a Tottie sandwich, and Paddy is beside himself. “I can’t let the lads down.” So the honorable Paddy jumps to his death too.

3 days later the wives are at the funeral of the 3 good friends and read suicide notes from each of them.

Jonesy’s wife says, “I can’t believe it. If only he had told me about the lunch, he would still be with us today.
” Dave’s wife agrees. “Yes, Dave made no mention. I thought he loved his Cucumber & Cheese!”

Paddy’s wife then says, “Well I just can’t believe all of this. Paddy used to make his own lunch!”

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Once again at the doctor’s

Once again at the doctor’s

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!

The room erupted in applause.

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