Posts made in May, 2017

Neighborhood stud

Neighborhood stud

Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

“The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.

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For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

16. A calendar’s days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in The Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.’

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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Time is relative

Time is relative

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the you-know-what out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

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Big boots!

Big boots!

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, ‘Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?’
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.’
‘Don’t be flattered…Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’
*Women can be so cruel!*

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Belly button

Belly button

There was this boy and this girl.

He asked her “Can I put my finger in your belly button?”

She said “No”.

He asked her again, but she still said “No”.

He kept asking her and eventually she said: “Go ahead”.

So a moment later she says “Hey!! That isn’t my belly button”.

Then the boy goes “That isn’t my finger….

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Bicycles

Bicycles

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he’d stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he’d find only sand.

A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana.
After some small talk he said, “Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won’t tell. I’m just curious. What was it?”
The other man said, “Bicycles.”

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The pet lobsters

The pet lobsters

A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he’s going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit. The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.

“Nonsense,” says the game warden.
“It’s true, it’s not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?” asks the man. “I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me”.
“I’ve got to see this; show me.” says the game warden. So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says,
“Okay, now let’s hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you.”
“Lobsters?” asks the poacher, “What lobsters?”

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Alpha rooster

Alpha rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster.

As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.

At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now.

The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”

…………The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”

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The good Samaritan

The good Samaritan

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a “rat-a-tat-tat” on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

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Time’s up!!!

Time’s up!!!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed:

“Grandson I want you to listen to me. I want you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead ?”

The Don says:

“You listen to me, some day you going to run a business, you going to have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos, some day you going come home and maybe find your wife in bed with another man. What are you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say TIME’S UP !?

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