Hold on, let me get my hat

Hold on, let me get my hat

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.
The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.” His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to.
The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”
He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

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Pink bits taste amazing!

Pink bits taste amazing!

Scientists have found that women share the same DNA as prawns. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste amazing!!

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Everything but my ear rings!

Everything but my ear rings!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Birmingham and I need some help.
If I were to give you �20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

She replied:”Everything but my ear rings!”

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Bowling again!

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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Rodeo sex

Rodeo sex

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It’s when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear “Your sister was better than you…”, and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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Tight, tight, tight

Tight, tight, tight

This couple was in bed getting busy when the girl places the guy’s hand onto her pussy.

“Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…”, she says. So in goes another one. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says,
“Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “Ok!”. So he has his entire hand in when she says moaning aloud
“Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy puts both of his hands in!
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t”, says the guy. The girl looks at him and says

“See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

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A depressed young woman

A depressed young woman

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.’

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Three sisters

Three sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter’s room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, “Why were you screaming last night?” The daughter replied, “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.”

“That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing so much last night?”

The daughter replied, “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.”

“That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”

The youngest daughter replied, “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”

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Great in bed

Great in bed

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this…

‘Looking for a man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

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Auctions

Auctions

Wife: “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband: “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife: “Those they gave away.”

Husband: “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife: “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband: “That’s where they held the auction.”

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