200 bucks

200 bucks

One day at home a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and the guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

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I need a saw!

I need a saw!

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

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Dear Santa …

Dear Santa …

A beautiful woman has a fantasy to have sex with Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the woman says in a sexy voice,
“Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
A surprised Santa replies, “Ho ho ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
The woman is determined to have her way with Santa and drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
Santa is starting to sweat..but replies again, “Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
She takes off her bra and panties..now completely nude, says again. “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE !
Santa, with a smile, finally says, “Hey Hey Hey, Santa’s gotta STAY, I can’t go up the chimney with my pecker this WAY!.”

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Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

Don’t wanna ruin dem slippers

An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy Viagra.
‘Can I have six tablets cut in quarters?’ he asked.
‘I can cut them for you’ replied the pharmacist, ‘but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.’
‘I’m 96’ said the old man. ‘I don’t want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’

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Joan, the chef

Joan, the chef

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, “I’m sorry, but I’m blind and I can’t read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I’ll smell it, and order from there.”
The waiter picks up a greasy fork and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, “Ah…that’s what I’ll have…meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
The waiter can’t believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who’s the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, “I’ll get you a dirty fork.” He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Joan, rub this fork on your crotch.” She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me?
I didn’t know Joan worked here…”

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Big boots!

Big boots!

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, ‘Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?’
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thankya, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.’
‘Don’t be flattered…Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’
*Women can be so cruel!*

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Forever a woman’s arm

Forever a woman’s arm

A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to the hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him:
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God, no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc what’s the good news?
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm. I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again!”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.” “Not only that,” continued the golfer “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, there is just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache.

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VIP Party

VIP Party

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there.

“Name’s Billy Bob… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… having a party Saturday… thought you`d like to come.”

“Great,” says Dick, “after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin.”

“Not a problem… after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. “More`n`likely gonna be some fightin` too.”

Darn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. “I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that`s not a problem” says Dick, “Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there… by the way, what should I wear?”

Billy Bob stops at the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us…”

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Big dick issues

Big dick issues

A man with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said: “I can’t live with this anymore! It’s too long.”

The doctor replied: “I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you.”

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said: “Go into the swamp and meet a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She’ll say “No”, and you’ll lose 5 inches off your member!”

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her: “Will you marry me?”

“No!”, she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again: “Will you marry me?”

The frog said, “No!”

And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked, “Will you marry me?”

And the frog said: “How many times do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO! NO!”

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a Cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to…

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