Surprise handjob

Surprise handjob

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.

“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”

“Years of practice,” she giggled.

“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.

“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

Read More

First day as a hooker

First day as a hooker

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said “well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor”. “Well , what did he want to do?” They all asked. She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t  have that much either”.

“Finally I said, well how much do you have”? The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?”

I loaned him $75!” she said.

Read More

Life choices

Life choices
I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the end of the bar. He looked worse for wear and kind of sad so I went over.

“Hey mate, you ok?” I asked.

“What a fucking day.” he moaned. “My boss wants to kill me, I lost my job and my family too – my wife wants a divorce and my kids won’t speak to me.”

“Fuck. What happened?”

“I went round to my boss’s place this morning. Drop some papers off. He’s not in but his old lady is. And she’s a looker, even at 56. Anyway, one thing leads to another and after a few drinks I’m fucking her up the ass on the kitchen table. Which is when the boss came in.”

“Ouch.” I winced. “Unlucky, mate. And the family bit?”

“Well I work for my father-in-law…”

Read More

Sorryyyyyy !

Sorryyyyyy !

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards at a Hallmark store.

After a hour of watching a clerk finally came over and asked, “May I help you?”

“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

Read More

I need a parrot

I need a parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says, “With my dick, you dummy!”

The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish.”

The guy says, “Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for.” The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says, “What’s up?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says, “Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion.”

The parrot says, “Then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says, “He did?”

The parrot says, “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”

The guy says, “My God! What happened next?!?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Read More

Bob vs. the doctor

Bob vs. the doctor

Bob asked his Doctor if he ever laughed at a patient …

“In 30 years i haven’t.  I do my best to remain professional”
With that, Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest Willy the Doctor had ever seen ,
It was no bigger than an AAA battery .
The Doctor pissed him self with Laughter , he wipes his tears away takes a deep breath and says , I really am sorry it wont happen again .
Now how can i help you what is the problem.
“Bob says it’s badly swollen”

Read More

They got teeth down there !!!

They got teeth down there !!!

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin’s skirt. “Get your hand out of there!”
She shouts. “Don’t you know that women have teeth down there?”
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he’s 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.  After an hour of making out, she says, “You know, you could go a little further if you want.”
What do you mean?” he asks.
“Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?” she says, pointing to her crotch.
“Hell no,” he cries, “You’ve got teeth down there!”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no such thing as teeth down there!”
“Yes, there are,” he says, “my mum told me so.”
“No, there aren’t,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
“No, I’m sorry” he says. “My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for crying out loud!” she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, “LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I’m not surprised!”

Read More

A 6 foot penguin

A 6 foot penguin

… A man races inside a bar, panicking, sweating and downright worried. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling:
“Does anyone own a 6 foot penguin ?” “does anyone own a 6 foot penguin ?”

.. Slowly all the patrons shake their head, all apologising as they cannot help the guy…

… This guys lowers his head, and as he walks out of the bar, he whispers to himself ….”fuck, i hit a nun”……

Read More

Why trick or treat is better than sex

Why trick or treat is better than sex

10)  You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9)  If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6)  It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else…because you are.
5)  Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4)  If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.
3)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2)  Less guilt the morning after.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX……

1)  YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD

Read More

Nuns in the USA

Nuns in the USA

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat, and one says to the
other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do.”
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, “Hot dogs, get your dogs
here,” and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

“Two dogs, please!” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a
bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other
nun and in a soft brogue whispers……

“What part did you get?”

Read More
Page 3 of 712345...Last »