The biggest

I was in bed with my girlfriend last night and she said I’d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on. I said “you’re pulling my leg….”

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Legs or breasts

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a fondness for shaved fannies. He was told that this wasn’t an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket!

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Massage

A woman playing golf, teed off and watched her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man offering to relieve his pain as being she was a physiotherapist. The man said “no, I’ll be fine”. But she insisted. She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside. She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked “how does that feel”? He replied “that feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken”!

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Scientist vs. bra

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bouncing up and down and nipples sticking out when its cold.
His colleagues have kicked his f&$king head in.

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Thai bride

I had my first night with my new Thai bride.
We just got into foreplay and I was sucking her off, when I thought…
“Hang on a fuckin’ minute…”

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Wedding presents

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. After a while they realise both of there wedding anniversaries are the next day.
Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary?”
Rich man, “I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring.”
Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts?”
Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car… ”
The poor, “Man nodds in agreement.”
Rich man, “What did you get your wife?”
Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo.”
Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?”
Poor man, ” Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself.”

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Sex and dinner

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!’

The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?”

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Viagra

What do you call a dwarf on Viagra ?

A little hard man.

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An insect

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.”
To which, her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”

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Actress vs pornstar

– What’s the difference between an actress and a pornstar?
– ??
– A pornstar has to blow a bunch of guys AFTER she gets the part.

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