What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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Alpha rooster

Alpha rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster.

As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch.

At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now.

The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him.

Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head.
The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.”

…………The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”

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I can has doggy

I can has doggy

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading, “8 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while, he stands on his back paws, pushes the “stop” bell and gets off. The butcher follows.

The dog runs up to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself, ‘whap’, against the door. He does this over and over. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? Stop screaming at the dog….he’s an absolute genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, he is Not. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

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Hunting trip

Hunting trip

A man and his wife were enjoying dinner when his wife asked him “Honey, what would you like for your birthday?”. The man said that he would like her to go hunting with him, as it is his favorite thing to do and she has never gone with him. Much to his delight, she says that she would love to go with him this Saturday.

Saturday morning comes and the man’s alarm clock goes off at 3:30am. He leans over to give his wife and kiss and inform her that it is time to get up, to which she replies “please, can I sleep in 30 more minutes?”. The man says “Okay, I am going to go load up the truck, I will be back.”

30 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “Honey it is time to get up now.”. She replies “I am so tired, would you be upset if I just stayed home?”. The man says “God dammit this is my birthday present, but if you don’t want to go, fine. I won’t force you, but you are going to pick one of these 3 options as my present. 1. You get out of bed and willingly go hunting with me. 2. You let me fuck you in the ass. 3. You suck my dick.” After a brief pause, He says “I am going to go feed the dogs and get them loaded into the truck. You make your decision and I will be back in 15 minutes.”

15 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “well, what did you decide?”. His wife says “Well, I am just too tired to go hunting with you, and there is no way I am going to let you fuck me in the ass, so pull your pants down so I can blow you before you leave.”. The man happily pulls his pants down and lets her go down on him.

After the wife finishes her duties, the man pulls up his pants and says “alright honey I will see you later, I love you.” The wife responds with “I love you too honey, but before you go, I have to ask… why does your dick taste so weird?” The man says “Well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”

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Show him your f****ng badge!

Show him your f****ng badge!

The DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f*****g wish…. on ANY land!! No questions asked or answer given!! Have I made myself clear…… do you understand???”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s enormous Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge…….. show him your F*****g BADGE!!”

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Two guys took their dogs for a stroll….

Two guys took their dogs for a stroll….

Joke: Two guys took their dogs for a stroll…

… and after a while the one says:
Owner A: Let’s go and get something to bite at this restaurant over here.
Owner B: Can’t do. They don’t accept pets.
Owner A: No worries. Just follow me and do as I do.
So the guy puts on his shades and enters confidently the restaurant where he is stopped by the waiter telling him that dogs are not allowed.
Owner A: But this is my guide dog.
Waiter: Oh, I am terribly sorry, but you see, we have never seen a Poodle being a guide dog before etc etc etc
Owner A: Ah, its the new craze. If well trained they are remarkable guide dogs.
And he proceeds to a table. Second guy sees all this and puts on his shades as well and enters confidently, only to be stopped by the waiter: “No pets allowed”.
Owner B: But I am blind, this is my guide dog.
Waiter: Guide dog? It’s a Chihuahua!!!!
Owner B: No way! they gave me a Chihuahua?!?!

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Two dogs humping

Two dogs humping

A man and his son are walking down the road and see two dogs humping in a lawn. The son asks his dad, “Why are they doing that?”

Thinking quickly, the father replies, “The dog on top hurt his paw so the other one is helping him walk.”

The kid replies, “Figures… You try to help somebody and they just screw you.”

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Monkey at the bar

Monkey at the bar

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says “No what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me” replied the guy “He eats everything in sight, the little beast. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.” The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No what?” replied the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

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Three dogs

Three dogs

They did a study a few weeks ago on a common rumour that dogs after a while start acting like their owners. So the scientist picked an architect’s dog, an accountant’s dog, and a homosexual’s dog.

They put the architect’s dog in a room gave him ten bones and he built a pyramid. “WOW!” they said.

They put the accountant’s dog in a room gave him ten bones and he divided them up evenly. “NO WAY!” the scientists yelled.

Then they brought the homosexual’s dog into the room and put ten bones in front of him. He paused, crushed them up, snorted them, f*cked the other two dogs and called in sick the next morning.

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Joyous rabbit

Joyous rabbit
The Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, ‘Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!’ The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, ‘Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!’  The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some smack. ‘Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you’re doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!’ The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. ‘Lion,’ they reprimand, ‘why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!’ The lion answers, ‘That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!’

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