Oh God,I’m coming!

Oh God,I’m coming!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!”

If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

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Because you got an F

Because you got an F

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”

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You must be making a sandwich!

You must be making a sandwich!

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?” The lady responded, “They’re making a sandwich.” Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.

A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said: “Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!”

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Everything outside the circle!

Everything outside the circle!

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”

The son walks away still confused and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”

The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”

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Can’t even …

Can’t even …

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said: “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”

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The little girl

The little girl

A 12-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, “Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,

“Hey kid, I will give you $20 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and Says, “Okay kid, I will give you $30 and a BIG BIG bag Of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride.”

At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily; “Look, Daddy, YOU bought a Yamaha instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!”

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Christmas prayers

Christmas prayers

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike, and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

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Kids shopping

Kids shopping

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,

“There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies.”

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath.” He replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

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