Joan, the chef

Joan, the chef

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, “I’m sorry, but I’m blind and I can’t read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I’ll smell it, and order from there.”
The waiter picks up a greasy fork and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, “Ah…that’s what I’ll have…meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
The waiter can’t believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who’s the cook.
The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, “I’ll get you a dirty fork.” He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Joan, rub this fork on your crotch.” She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me?
I didn’t know Joan worked here…”

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No votes please

No votes please

My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we’ll try anal.
So please don’t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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3 old ladies

3 old ladies

3 Old ladies were sitting on a park bench reminiscing on their lives. A flasher approached them and whipped open his coat, exposing himself to them.
The first had a stroke.
The second also had a stroke.
The third, however, could not reach…

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Hunting trip

Hunting trip

A man and his wife were enjoying dinner when his wife asked him “Honey, what would you like for your birthday?”. The man said that he would like her to go hunting with him, as it is his favorite thing to do and she has never gone with him. Much to his delight, she says that she would love to go with him this Saturday.

Saturday morning comes and the man’s alarm clock goes off at 3:30am. He leans over to give his wife and kiss and inform her that it is time to get up, to which she replies “please, can I sleep in 30 more minutes?”. The man says “Okay, I am going to go load up the truck, I will be back.”

30 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “Honey it is time to get up now.”. She replies “I am so tired, would you be upset if I just stayed home?”. The man says “God dammit this is my birthday present, but if you don’t want to go, fine. I won’t force you, but you are going to pick one of these 3 options as my present. 1. You get out of bed and willingly go hunting with me. 2. You let me fuck you in the ass. 3. You suck my dick.” After a brief pause, He says “I am going to go feed the dogs and get them loaded into the truck. You make your decision and I will be back in 15 minutes.”

15 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “well, what did you decide?”. His wife says “Well, I am just too tired to go hunting with you, and there is no way I am going to let you fuck me in the ass, so pull your pants down so I can blow you before you leave.”. The man happily pulls his pants down and lets her go down on him.

After the wife finishes her duties, the man pulls up his pants and says “alright honey I will see you later, I love you.” The wife responds with “I love you too honey, but before you go, I have to ask… why does your dick taste so weird?” The man says “Well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”

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Surprise!

Surprise!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I knew I shouldn’t have done)

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table, I sat down and as he was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and he went to answer the phone call.

The beans I ate for lunch were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin and fanned the air around me, then shifted to the other leg and ripped off 3 more.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable but the odor was worse than the smell of cooking cabbage.

Eventually, the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned my napkin a few more times and then my husband came back into the room.

My face must have been the picture of innocence as my husband ask if I had peeked through the blindfold, I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guest seated around the table with their hands to their noses started singing, “Happy Birthday!”

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Surprise handjob

Surprise handjob

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.

“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”

“Years of practice,” she giggled.

“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.

“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

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Groin massage

Groin massage

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, ” It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

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Men …

Men …

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing.

I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

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Passed away

Passed away
My welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go…… he passed away in his sheep.
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A deal is a deal

A deal is a deal

See I had This problem with stuttering so I wen’t to the Doctor to see if there was anything that could be done about it.

After about two hours and $2000.00 worth of tests the Doctors says: “Oh I see”

So I said,”W ww  wwwwell is t t there anything yyyyy you cccccc can ddddd do?”

Doc says, ” Well the problem seems to be that your junk is to large and it’s pulling on your speech related muscles causing you to stutter.”

” Ca cc can you ff  f fix it? ” says I.

“Well sure we just have to cut away a chunk of your junk and sew the top back on and you’ll be as good as new”

Like that is as easy thing to do! (>_<)

So, I told the Doc to go ahead and get it done.

Two weeks after the surgery my stuttering was gone and my speech was fine, but, I couldn’t satisfy my wife any longer, (no pun intended), and she threatened to leave me. I love my wife very much and would do anything to keep her. So off to the Doctor I went.

I got into the exam room and came right out and said, “Doc I have to have it back! My wife is going to leave me because I can’t satisfy her any more. So I need you to reverse the operation.”

The Doctor looks me square in the eye and says, ” A Dddd a ddd a dd deals a ddd deal!!!!”

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