The Mars bar

The Mars bar

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son, little Johnny, in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove by!’

‘Looks like the Anderson ‘s have company,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skate board!’

After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having a shag!’

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.’

Read More

70 Years old grandma birthday present

70 Years old grandma birthday present

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”  She looked through the phone
book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a veryhandsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right  muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum…..

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.  “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’ m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “9” for an outside line.”

Read More

Little Johnny vs the new teacher

Little Johnny vs the new teacher

“Good morning class I am your new teacher.  My name is Franny, I want you to remember that.  The first one to remember my name in the morning will get a prize.”

On his way home Little Johnny is saying to himself ” It´s fanny with an R, It´s fanny with an R”

Next morning at school the teacher says “who can remember my name?”

Little Johnny is first with his hand up ” Yes Miss, Crunt”

Read More

Bar menu

Bar menu

A man walks into a bar and see’s a sign that reads

Shot of whiskey 50cents
24oz beer 2$
Handjob 3$
Cheese sandwhich 2.50$

His eyes widen when he finishes reading and checks his wallet for Dollar bills, he rushes to the counter and waves over
the hottest little red headed waitress you’ve ever seen and asks “Are you the one that gives the hand jobs!!!!???”
She replies “yes that’s me and winks” and the man says
“Well wash your fucking hands I want a cheese sandwhich”

Read More

Michael Jackson on a boat

MJ was on a sinking boat with some kids and a friend of his and suddenly it was time to evacuate.

His friend: Michael, let’s go fast
Michael: But how about the kids?
His friend: Fuck them!
Michael: Do we really have that much time?

Read More

Two hookers

Two hookers

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, “Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.”

The other hooker looked at her and said, “No, I just burped.”

Read More

Salty peanuts

Salty peanuts

12 years old girl: Mom, Billy showed me his penis today!

Mom: What ??!?!?!

12 years old girl: It reminded me of peanuts.

Mom: Really ? That small ?

12 years old girl: mmm nop, it just tasted salty!

Mom: *passes out*

Read More

Doctor slept with a patient

Doctor slept with a patient

Dr. John had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.  No matter how nuch he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhealming, but every once in a while he’d hear an internal reassuring voice say “John, don’t worry about it.  You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients, and you won’t be the last, and you’re single, just let it go”.  But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering, “John, you’re a fucking vet”.

Read More

Three hookers

3 prostitutes were sitting in a bar. The first one said: “I’m so loose I can get get my whole fist in.”
The second one said: “Well I’m so loose I can get my whole fist and a beer bottle up there.”
The third one didn’t say anything, just looked at them and started sliding down the bar stool.

Read More

Hooker

Hooker

A hooker was at the doctors and the doc says congratulations you’re pregnant, do you know who the father is?
The Hooker replies “are you having a laugh, if you ate a tin of baked beans, would you know which one made you fart”

Read More
Page 3 of 612345...Last »