10 husbands, still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

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Toes would rise

Toes would rise

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, “Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?”

“Silly,” she replied, “I take my pantyhose off in the shower!”

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War is war

War is war

During a war warrior shouted against 3 ladies:

Warrior: I am going to rape you all!.

Younger lady: But please leave our grand mother alone …

Grand mother: Shut the fuck up, war is war!.

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Little John and April

Little John and April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

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Groooosssss

Groooosssss

A man, after a lifetime of being a bastard ends up in hell, standing in front of one of the devil’s minions.

“For your punishment says the minion you have a choice of one of three rooms”.

At the first room the man looks in and sees all these people lined up getting whipped with thorns and chains. Oh that doesn’t look good he thinks. “Can i see the next room?” he asks

At the next room he looks in and sees another group of people getting jabbed with hot pokers. oh he thinks that doesn’t look so good. “Can i see the final room?” he asks

He looks in the final room and sees all these people standing around in stinking shit up to their knees drinking cups of tea.

“This is much better than the last rooms” he says to the minion “I’ll have this one thanks” and in he goes.

Just as he’s getting his cup of tea a little bell rings and a voice booms out.

“Ok everybody tea breaks over, back on your heads”

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Virgin on a date

Virgin on a date

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said “grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his.”

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Seven wise men

Seven wise men

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole. Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

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Banana vs. vibrator

Banana vs. vibrator

A banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana says to vibrator ‘I don’t know why you’re shaking, she’s gonna f**king EAT me!

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Dirty talk

Dirty talk

Wife: Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, bathroom, my clothes!

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Difference between potentially and realistically

Difference between potentially and realistically

This little boy goes up to his dad and he says:
“Dad?, What’s the difference between Potentially and Realistically?” To which the father replies:
“Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.”
So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies: “Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!”
So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies “He is so fucking fine, of course I would!”
Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says “Of course I would, who wouldn’t for a million bucks?”
So he goes up to his dad and says “I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically” “Well what’s the difference?” says the father.
“Well, potentially we’re sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we’re living with 2 sluts and a fag!”

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