Husband, wife and kids

Husband, wife and kids

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.”

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Guts vs. Balls

Guts vs. Balls

The difference between having Guts and having Balls…

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”

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Convict breaks into a house

Convict breaks into a house

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.  He jumps on the wife and kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.  The husband whispers to his wife “satisfy him or he’ll kill us.  I saw the way he kissed you… just be strong, I love you”.  The wife replies “he didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he’s gay, horny and looking for Vaseline.  I told him “it’s in the bathroom.  Let’s see who’s fuckin’ strong now”?

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Paddy on a diet

Paddy on a diet

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.  “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks.  You should lose 5lbs”.  When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st.  “That’s amazing” the doctor says… Paddy nodded, “I’ll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day”.  “What, from hunger?” asks the doctor.  “No, from all da fuckin’ skippin” says Paddy.

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Egg vs. boiling water

Egg vs. boiling water

Q: what did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: give me a minute to get hard i just came out of this chick

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Sore fanny

Sore fanny

A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny. The doctor gets out some scissors and snips around a bit.  The dwarf says “ooh, that feels much better, what have you done”?  The doctor says “I’ve trimmed the tops off your wellies”!

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Irish priest

Irish priest

Little Irish lad crying by the side of the road,a passer by says

“Whats wrong son?”

Lad says “Me ma just died”

“Oh Jaysus” the man says. “D’ya want me to fetch Father O’Reilly?”

“No thanks” says the boy, “Sex is the last thing on my mind right now”!

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Welsh kids

Welsh kids

We were driving down the motorway, and my girlfriend says: “The kids in the next car are Welsh”
I asked: “How do you know that ?”
She replied: “They were writing on the window: !!!stit ruoy su wohS”

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Cat at school

Cat at school

TEACHER: “James, why is your cat at school with you today”?

JAMES (crying): “I heard the postman tell Mummy: When the kids go to school I’m going to eat your pussy!”.

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What a mix up …

This is a story about four people named Nocunt, Everycunt, Someothercunt and Anycunt. One day there was a job that needed doing and Someothercunt was asked to do it. Everycunt was sure that Someothercunt would do it, but Nocunt did it. Everycunt got angry because it was
Someothercunt’s job. Nocunt didn’t realise that Anycunt could have done it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Someothercunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done in the first place. What a cunt of a mix up!!!

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