iPod

I was in a coffee shop the other day when i suddenly needed to fart really badly. The music was really loud so i timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs i started to  feel much better. I finished my drink and noticed everyone was looking at me…..thats when i remembered i was listening to my iPod.

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Morning sex

Surprise sex in the morning can be the greatest thing ever!……….

Unless you’re in prison

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Speeding blonde

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”
“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

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Construction saw

Construction saw

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

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Dating

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

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The biggest

I was in bed with my girlfriend last night and she said I’d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on. I said “you’re pulling my leg….”

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Legs or breasts

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a fondness for shaved fannies. He was told that this wasn’t an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket!

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Confucius 2.0

CONFUCIUS 2.0 SAY:

Man who enter diarrhea lottery winnie the poo.
Man who put dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
It is good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl.
A good wife does 70 chores: cooking and 69.
Man who walk into airport sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.

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Hunter vs flute

A hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged … shooting himself in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied.. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye!”

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