You got a heart murmur

You got a heart murmur

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The man replied, “Just doing what you said Doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.

” The Doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

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Rebuilding the engine

Rebuilding the engine

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The professor replied,
“I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine.
I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine.
I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”

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The new doctor

The new doctor

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

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Once again at the doctor’s

Once again at the doctor’s

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!

The room erupted in applause.

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10

10

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine, eight, seven …”

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Best surgeons in the world!

Best surgeons in the world!

Three of the best surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in the world. In one operation, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them and eight months later he performed brilliantly at a sold-out concert at Carnegie Hall.”.

The second surgeon said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he won a Gold Medal in a track and field event in the Olympics.”.

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a crazy man rode a horse head-on into a train traveling eighty miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man’s blonde hair and the horse’s ass. I was able to put them together and now, he’s the President of the United States!”

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The vet

The vet

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

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