Almost crushed to death

Almost crushed to death

On New Year’s Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Irishman vs. God

Irishman vs. God

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the Irishman said, “Never mind, I found one.”

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Not too drunk

Not too drunk

Three drunk guys decided to share a taxi. The taxi driver noticed how drunk they were and decided to take advantage of them. So, he simply started the car, pressed the gas pedal once, then turned off the engine.

He then turned to the men in the cab and said, “We have reached your destination”.

The first guy gave the driver some money and stumbled out of the taxi. The second guy also paid the driver and said “Thank you” as he left the cab.

The 3rd guy turned around and slapped the driver in the face.

The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk knew what he had done.

But then he asked “What was that for?”

The third guy replied, “Control your speed better next time, buddy! You nearly killed us!”

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Safe to eat and drink all you like

Safe to eat and drink all you like

For those of you who watch what you eat, here is the final word on Nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Apparently speaking English is  what kills you.

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Ghosts in the night

Ghosts in the night

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, “Look at he window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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Wine tasting for the pros

Wine tasting for the pros

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, “It’s a  Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.
“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”
“Correct.”
A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant … and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father.”

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Can’t make him come!

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night’ She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’ John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’ ‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’ She said,  ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

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Genie in a bottle

Genie in a bottle

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: “What the hell is that?”  The guy next to him replies:  “He’s a pianist!”, to which the drunk replied: “Horse shit, your pulling my leg” So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks: “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him”? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks “I wish for a million bucks”. All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing “You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.” The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed “It seems the genie is a bit deaf, you don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”

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Right thing at the right time

Right thing at the right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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