A worried CEO

A worried CEO

A CEO has his business going well, but he’s a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.

The first person he meets is his assistant:
– Oh Miss, I’d like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
– Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
– No, just answer the question.
– Well, I think it’s 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:
– Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
– It is 4.00 E+0, but I’m not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them to check it?

Then he goes to the accountant:
– Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Well, well, I know I’m late. I’m sorry. I didn’t already collect all the data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196… and… let’s say… 5.659. But I’ll be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!

A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
– Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– So… How much do you think it makes?
– I ask you to answer.
– Mmh… you don’t want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. – Indeed.
– So, let’s say 6! No, excuse me, you’re not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that’s the price I’ make for my best friend!

Then he goes to his lawyer:
– Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Right now?
– Yes!
– So, at first I would say 2, but I’m convinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!

And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
– Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
– Of course. It is… It is… Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?

Read More

Surgeons

Surgeons

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Read More

The best lawyer joke

The best lawyer joke

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in cement?
Ans: Not enough cement.

Read More

NC three-Kick Rule

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the NC three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly
wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck outherner, now it’s my turn.”
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Read More

The kind lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

Read More