Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat.
Ed says ” What should we do?”
Bill says, “You better jump in after him, he’s been under water for a while, he might need some help.”
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, “Help me get him in the boat.”
They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, “What do we do now, it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.”
Bill says, “Give him mouth to mouth.”
Ed starts to blow air into Fred’s mouth and says,
“Whoa, I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath.”
Bill says, “Come to think of it, I don’t think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either.”

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Hickory dickory dock

Hickory dickory dock

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ ”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock…”

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What they want and what they get

What they want and what they get

What women want

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What they get

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says “I Do”, beginning with the wedding cake!

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I spent the night with Shirley!

I spent the night with Shirley!

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?” the friend replied.

“So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!”

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Ask for a pencil …

Ask for a pencil …

Two gay men are on a plane. Their names were Justin and Ryan.

“Dude, what if we had sex?” asks Justin.

“You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it.”

“Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!” Justin stands up and asks loudly: “Could I have a pencil, please?” Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

“They really wouldn’t care then, would they?” says Ryan.

So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives at the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

“Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag!” “I didn’t dare” whispers the old man. “A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass”.

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Blond guys can be smart too

Blond guys can be smart too

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What happened?!?” he says in panic.
“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked and scaring the kids!!!”

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