How life should be

How life should be

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What’s that…a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you’re generally promiscuous (hey, you’ve only got a few years left, what’s the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

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10 Reasons to go to work naked

10 Reasons to go to work naked

Joke with: 10 Reasons to go to work naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

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Being Fired

Being Fired

Being fired Joke

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy,

“How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,

“I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO said,

“Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said,

“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!

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So tired …

So tired …

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”
He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

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Surprise handjob

Surprise handjob

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.

“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”

“Years of practice,” she giggled.

“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.

“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

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O and o

O and o

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful How did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison ….

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That fly

That fly
I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.”
“Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That fly never knew what fucking hit it …

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Revenge is a dish best served …

Revenge is a dish best served …
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!
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Great product line

Great product line
In efforts to keep with a great product line, we are now offering a new inexpensive Tampon. We know it won’t be the best so our slogan will be as follows:

Our Tampons may not be #1 but, we’re still up there!

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US vs. British Navy

US vs. British Navy

The US and British Navy were recently on military exercises in the Persian gulf. The communications officer on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise sent a radio message to the British carrier HMS Illustrious: “And how”s the second biggest Navy in the world today then?”

To which the Illustrious officer responded: “Fine. How”s the second best?” The USS Enterprise did not reply !!

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