New girlfriend

New girlfriend

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It’s obvious, she can’t hold down a fucking job …

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Halloween present

Halloween present

Bought my wife a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween, not sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick.

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Pirate nightmare

Pirate nightmare

Q: What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!!!

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Middle of the forest

Middle of the forest

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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Alzheimer or AIDS

Alzheimer or AIDS

Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains: “Your wife is here and I’m afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don’t know if she’s got Alzheimer’s or AIDS”.  The man replies: “What the hell am I supposed to do now then”?  The doctor answers: “I’m going to put her on the wrong bus and if she finds her way home then don’t have sex with her”!

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Happy and sad

Happy and sad

A man says to his wife: “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said: “You have a bigger dick than your brother…”

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Mad Mary

Mad Mary

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental home as usual in her wheelchair.  Mad Mark stopped her and asked her for her Licence.  “Shit” she said, and sped off round another corner.  Mad Jim then stopped her and asked her for her Insurance.  “Fuck” she says, and took off again at speed.  Rounding the next corner she met BIG Dave standing stark naked with a massive erection.  “Oh no” she says, “not the fuckin’ breathaliser again”!

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Rich prostitutes

Rich prostitutes

Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

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Hippopotamuses

Hippopotamuses

Question: Why do hippopotamuses mate underwater?
Answer: Have you ever try to get 25 lb of pussy lips wet?

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Sandwich

Sandwich

This sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The Barman looks at him and says “Sorry mate, we don’t serve food here”

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