Paddy’s lunch!

Paddy’s lunch!

Working on a building site 22 stories high, an Irishman, an Englishman, and an Australian sit down to lunch every day.

Aussie ‘Jonesy’ opens up his lunch box and finds another Vegemite sandwich. “For fuck’s sake, ” he says. “I am sick to death of this shit, day in day out. If my wife packs this tomorrow I’m jumping off!!”
Paddy then opens his up and once again, a Potato sandwich appears. “Wel, I’m in as well Jonesy. If I get another Tottie Sandwich, I’m jumping!!”
Then Pommy Dave opens up his lunch to find the usual Cucumber and Cheese sandwich. “Righty o’ lads, I’ll be coming too if I get this shite again.”

So the following day all three sit down at lunch time ready to eat. Jonesy opens up his lunch box, and sure as shit, it’s another Vegemite Sanga! “That’s it, lads, I’m done!” And without hesitation, he jumps off.
“Fuck me,” says Dave. “I guess Jonesy wasn’t lying. If this is cucumber, I better hold up my end.” Dave takes one look, and closes his eyes and jumps!
“Well, I’ll be fooked!” Paddy says to himself. “I’m gonna have to jump if this is fookin` Potato again.” Sure enough, it’s a Tottie sandwich, and Paddy is beside himself. “I can’t let the lads down.” So the honorable Paddy jumps to his death too.

3 days later the wives are at the funeral of the 3 good friends and read suicide notes from each of them.

Jonesy’s wife says, “I can’t believe it. If only he had told me about the lunch, he would still be with us today.
” Dave’s wife agrees. “Yes, Dave made no mention. I thought he loved his Cucumber & Cheese!”

Paddy’s wife then says, “Well I just can’t believe all of this. Paddy used to make his own lunch!”

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Irish dads know it best

Irish dads know it best

An Irishman, Englishman, and a black guy are all in the maternity ward.

The doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem.
“We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up.” In order to sort the situation out the doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets the first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets the first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the three babies.

“I’ll take that one,” he says pointing to the little black child.

“Hold on,” says the doctor, “that’s obviously not your son, he’s as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white.”

“I know,” replies the Irishman, “but one of the other two is English, and I’m just not prepared to take that risk.”

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Irishman vs. God

Irishman vs. God

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the Irishman said, “Never mind, I found one.”

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Paddy and Mick go hunting in Canada

Paddy and Mick go hunting in Canada

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said that the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, and the plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick managed to survive the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

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Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy vs. The Movie

Paddy and murphy were watching a John Wayne movie. Paddy said to Murphy: “I bet you 5$ John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Murphy said: “Ok Paddy”, so there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff. Paddy turns round to Murphy: “I told you what would happen”.  Murphy said: “You’re right Paddy, there you go the 5$” .

Paddy thinks, and in the end said: “I fell very cheeky here Murphy”. “Why that Paddy?”

“Because I’ve seen this film before”.

Murphy says:  “So have I but I didn`t expect him to make the same mistake twice” …

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How to bathe a baby

How to bathe a baby

Paddy gets a job in a maternity unit when he’s asked to bath a baby.
The nurse walks in to see him moving the baby around in the bathtub with a stick.
She screams at him: “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you don’t bath a baby with a stick!”

He says: “You do when the water is this fuckin` hot”.

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Paddy and the name change

Paddy and the name change

Paddy wants his name changed so he goes to Summerset House to see the commissioner.  Paddy says “I want me name changed”.  The Commissioner replies, “You see them double doors up there, go through them, there is a woman at the desk, she’ll do it for you”.  Paddy goes through the double doors, walks up to the desk and says to the woman “I want me name changed”.  She asks “What is your name”?  Me name is “Patrick Shithouse”.  She asks “What do you want it changed to”?  He says “Michael Shithouse”.

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Paddy at the zoo

Paddy at the zoo

The zookeeper says to Paddy “The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her… would you consider shagging her for £500”?  Paddy replies “I will, on three conditions.  Firstly, I don’t have to kiss her.  Secondly, my family will never get to know, and Thirdly, give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together”.

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Paddy on a diet

Paddy on a diet

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.  “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks.  You should lose 5lbs”.  When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st.  “That’s amazing” the doctor says… Paddy nodded, “I’ll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day”.  “What, from hunger?” asks the doctor.  “No, from all da fuckin’ skippin” says Paddy.

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Paddy on a flight

A priest was seated next to Paddy on a flight.  Paddy ordered a Rum & Coke.  The flight attendant asked the priest if he would like a drink.  He replied in discust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips”!  Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice”!

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