Surprise handjob

Surprise handjob

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.

“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”

“Years of practice,” she giggled.

“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.

“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

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Three dogs

Three dogs

They did a study a few weeks ago on a common rumour that dogs after a while start acting like their owners. So the scientist picked an architect’s dog, an accountant’s dog, and a homosexual’s dog.

They put the architect’s dog in a room gave him ten bones and he built a pyramid. “WOW!” they said.

They put the accountant’s dog in a room gave him ten bones and he divided them up evenly. “NO WAY!” the scientists yelled.

Then they brought the homosexual’s dog into the room and put ten bones in front of him. He paused, crushed them up, snorted them, f*cked the other two dogs and called in sick the next morning.

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O and o

O and o

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful How did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison ….

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That fly

That fly
I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.”
“Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That fly never knew what fucking hit it …

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Revenge is a dish best served …

Revenge is a dish best served …
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!
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Great product line

Great product line
In efforts to keep with a great product line, we are now offering a new inexpensive Tampon. We know it won’t be the best so our slogan will be as follows:

Our Tampons may not be #1 but, we’re still up there!

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US vs. British Navy

US vs. British Navy

The US and British Navy were recently on military exercises in the Persian gulf. The communications officer on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise sent a radio message to the British carrier HMS Illustrious: “And how”s the second biggest Navy in the world today then?”

To which the Illustrious officer responded: “Fine. How”s the second best?” The USS Enterprise did not reply !!

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Vacuum cleaner

Vacuum cleaner
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps a bucket of cow shit all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning up that horse shit, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “Do You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

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Safe to eat and drink all you like

Safe to eat and drink all you like

For those of you who watch what you eat, here is the final word on Nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.  Apparently speaking English is  what kills you.

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Amish lady

Amish lady

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”

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