What a woman says

What a woman says

What a woman says…

This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears…

blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

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Right thing at the right time

Right thing at the right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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Convict breaks into a house

Convict breaks into a house

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.  He jumps on the wife and kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.  The husband whispers to his wife “satisfy him or he’ll kill us.  I saw the way he kissed you… just be strong, I love you”.  The wife replies “he didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he’s gay, horny and looking for Vaseline.  I told him “it’s in the bathroom.  Let’s see who’s fuckin’ strong now”?

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Paddy on a diet

Paddy on a diet

Paddy weighs 20st so his doctor puts him on a diet.  “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks.  You should lose 5lbs”.  When Paddy returns, he shocks the doctor by having lost 4st.  “That’s amazing” the doctor says… Paddy nodded, “I’ll tell ya be Jazus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day”.  “What, from hunger?” asks the doctor.  “No, from all da fuckin’ skippin” says Paddy.

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Egg vs. boiling water

Egg vs. boiling water

Q: what did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: give me a minute to get hard i just came out of this chick

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Sore fanny

Sore fanny

A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fanny. The doctor gets out some scissors and snips around a bit.  The dwarf says “ooh, that feels much better, what have you done”?  The doctor says “I’ve trimmed the tops off your wellies”!

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What do you tell ?

What do you tell ?

“What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes??”

“Nothing……she’s already been told twice”

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Three strings

Three strings

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar. The bar door has a sign that says “No string allowed”

The first piece of string tries his luck and walks in and sits at the bar. “Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “Hey, the sign says no string… get the fuck out of here!”

So, the string leaves.

The second piece of string tries his luck and walks in and sits at the bar. “Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “I just told your mate we dont serve string here… OUT!”

So, the second string leaves.

The third piece of string says “Right, this calls for drastic measures!”, twists and ties himself a few times in the middle, and finally fluffs up one end of himself into a tuft, then strolls in and sits down at the bar.

“Beer please”, says the string.

Bartender turns around and looks him up and down… “Hey, arent you a piece of string?”

“No”, he says…….. “I’m a frayed knot”…..

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Irish priest

Irish priest

Little Irish lad crying by the side of the road,a passer by says

“Whats wrong son?”

Lad says “Me ma just died”

“Oh Jaysus” the man says. “D’ya want me to fetch Father O’Reilly?”

“No thanks” says the boy, “Sex is the last thing on my mind right now”!

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Mouse vs pussy

Mouse vs pussy

A mouse finds a Viagra tablet on the floor and eats it. 10 minutes later he’s strutting round the place shouting, “WHERE’S THE FUCKIN PUSSY NOW ???!!!”

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