Speeding blonde

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”
“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

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Crash site

Crash site

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors, Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a few years, eventually doing what is natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to natural urges faded and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing…….

So they buried Debbie.

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Construction saw

Construction saw

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

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Dating

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

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Dinner with my mate

I had dinner with my mate and his girlfriend last night. She was handing out the potatoes and asked me how many I wanted. I said “I’ll have one thanks”, she said “you don’t have to be so polite, how many would you like”. So I said “Okay, I’ll have one… you fat bitch”!

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Dressed to kill

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

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The biggest

I was in bed with my girlfriend last night and she said I’d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on. I said “you’re pulling my leg….”

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Legs or breasts

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy said that he had a fondness for shaved fannies. He was told that this wasn’t an option with a KFC Bargain Bucket!

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Fat blokes

Two fat blokes sitting in a bar.

one says to the other “your round”
other one replies “so are you you fat [email protected]

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Massage

A woman playing golf, teed off and watched her ball hit a man playing the next hole. He clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. The woman rushed over to the man offering to relieve his pain as being she was a physiotherapist. The man said “no, I’ll be fine”. But she insisted. She gently took his hands away, undid his trousers and put her hands inside. She massaged tenderly for several moments and asked “how does that feel”? He replied “that feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken”!

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