Labrador

Paddy tells Mick he’s thinking of buying a labrador. “Feck off”, say’s Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”!

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Harry Potter

I started reading Harry Hotter the other day but i think it is a bit far fetched..
I can buy the fact that magic exists and there are unicorns and wizards … but a ginger kid with two mates … [email protected] off

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Confucius 2.0

CONFUCIUS 2.0 SAY:

Man who enter diarrhea lottery winnie the poo.
Man who put dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
It is good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl.
A good wife does 70 chores: cooking and 69.
Man who walk into airport sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.

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Poor Charlie

I saw my mate Charlie the other day. He`s only got one arm bless him.
I said “where you off to Charlie ?”
He said ” i`m going to change a lightbulb”.
I laughed and said “thats going to be a bit tricky isnt it ?”
He said “not really i`ve got the receipt you spiteful [email protected]!”

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Hunter vs flute

A hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged … shooting himself in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied.. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”
“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye!”

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Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?” the passenger asks.
“Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger replies “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
To which the cabbie adds “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
“Sounds like he was something really special,” says the passenger.
“There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
“Wow, some guy then,” says the passenger.
“He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never disagree with her even if he knew she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”The
Passenger can’t take anymore when he finally says “Sounds like an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
The Cabbie turns around and says, “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to his widow.”

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As a bagpiper …

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years.”

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Paddy vs. Murphy

Paddy is driving past Murphy’s house one day and notices a sign in his garden saying:
“BOAT FOR SALE”.

He stops his car and knocks on his mate Murphys house.

“Murphy, whats dis, yuv got a sign up sayin’ “Boat for sale”? Ya haven’t got a boat, yuv only got a traktor and a caravan?”

Murphy: “I know Paddy, and der boat for sale!!”

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Scientist vs. bra

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bouncing up and down and nipples sticking out when its cold.
His colleagues have kicked his f&$king head in.

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Paddy vs. Africa

Paddy met a black girl in the club, after a few drinks and a dance, she asked if he would like to take her home.
Paddy said “Yer must be feckin’ jokin, I’m not driving all the way Africa at this time of night”

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