One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
“God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to earth.
When he returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.
“God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? No?Okay, just wondering. I didn’t get one either.
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”
Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”
Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor, along with their wives, were on a cruise. Suddenly a tidal wave came out of nowhere, swamped the ship and they all drowned. The next thing they knew, they were standing before St. Peter.
Shaking his head, St. Peter first looked at the Presbyterian and his wife and said, “You cannot enter for you loved money too much. So much so, that you married a woman named Penny.”
St. Peter then turned to the Methodist and said, “I’m sorry for you cannot enter either. You loved food far too much. So much so that you married a woman named Candy.”
Hearing this, the Baptist nervously turned to his wife and whispered, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom, Joe Bob yelled “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?’ To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”