The tuna sandwich

The tuna sandwich

A funny new trend at the office: 
People putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

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Priceless

Priceless

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $15

Tub of Vaseline: $3

XL Box of Tissues: $2

The look of disgust on the cashier’s face as you pay: Priceless :-D

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How life should be

How life should be

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What’s that…a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you’re generally promiscuous (hey, you’ve only got a few years left, what’s the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

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For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

For the lexophiles (or dad jokes)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

16. A calendar’s days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in The Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.’

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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Belly button

Belly button

There was this boy and this girl.

He asked her “Can I put my finger in your belly button?”

She said “No”.

He asked her again, but she still said “No”.

He kept asking her and eventually she said: “Go ahead”.

So a moment later she says “Hey!! That isn’t my belly button”.

Then the boy goes “That isn’t my finger….

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The good Samaritan

The good Samaritan

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a “rat-a-tat-tat” on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time of night,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing set.”

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Random jokes

Random jokes

“You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life”. “But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad”. “I know, son”

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After lunch!

What do we want?
A ccccccuuure for stutttttterrrring!
When do we want it?
N N NNN N N N N… Soon!

What do we want?
A cure for Alzheimers!
When do we want it?
What do we want?

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Toilet jokes lol

Toilet jokes lol

I was in the mall and needed to use the public restroom.

I had just barely sat down on the commode when I heard a voice in the other stall next to mine.

Stall: “Hi, how are you?”

Me: (embarrassed) “Ummmm…Doin’ fine, I guess!”

Stall: “So what are you up to?”

Me: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here.”

Stall: “Can I come over?”

Me: (attitude) “No you can’t! I’m a little busy right now!”

Stall: (momentary silence) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”

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The English got it

The English got it

A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, “There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did.”

“Thanks, buddy,” the fireman replies.
“You lot were bloody brave,” the Brummie says.
“Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?” the fireman asks.
“Birmingham,” he replies.
“Birmingham? What state’s that in?” asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, “About the same as this really…”

Context 1 liner: When the IRA bomb blew up Manchester,the police reported that the blast had caused over £50,000,000 worth of improvements.

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Firefighters at their finest

Firefighters at their finest

One dark night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.  To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, “The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck”

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