That fly

That fly
I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.”
“Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”

That fly never knew what fucking hit it …

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Scuba divers

Scuba divers

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

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Graduation

Graduation

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

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Bus friends

Bus friends

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.  So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

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New girlfriend

New girlfriend

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It’s obvious, she can’t hold down a fucking job …

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Terrible winking problem

Terrible winking problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

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No fucking icecream

No fucking icecream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, “I’d like a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

The counter man says, “I know that this may sound strange, but we don’t have any chocolate ice cream. We ran out and the delivery truck hasn’t arrived yet.”

She says, “In that case, I’ll have half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

“Ma’am, I just told you that I’m sorry, we don’t have any chocolate ice cream.”

“Okay, then I’ll have a pint of chocolate ice cream.”

“Look lady, I said we don’t have ANY chocolate ice cream.”

“That’s okay, I’ll have an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate.”

The counter man is absolutely livid and says, “Lady, how do you spell the
‘straw’ in strawberry?”

She says, “S-T-R-A-W.”

“Right, now how do you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

“V-A-N.”

“Great, now how do you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”

She says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, THERE IS NO FUCKIN’ CHOCOLATE!”

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Small break

Small break

We’re taking a small break working on fixing an important project. We will be posting new jokes in about 24 hours. Stay tuned!

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Jack with 2 black eyes

Jack with 2 black eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”

“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”

“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…”

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Love for the programmers

Love for the programmers

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just declare darkness the standard
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Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
7. You understand #8.
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.
9. You know more programming commands than actual words.
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

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Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)
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How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. “We’ll document it in the manual.”
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Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
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