Oh God,I’m coming!

Oh God,I’m coming!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!”

If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

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I didn’t get one either

I didn’t get one either

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
“God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to earth.
When he returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.
“God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? No?Okay, just wondering. I didn’t get one either.

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It doesn’t look good, Fanny

It doesn’t look good, Fanny

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor, along with their wives, were on a cruise. Suddenly a tidal wave came out of nowhere, swamped the ship and they all drowned. The next thing they knew, they were standing before St. Peter.
Shaking his head, St. Peter first looked at the Presbyterian and his wife and said, “You cannot enter for you loved money too much. So much so, that you married a woman named Penny.”
St. Peter then turned to the Methodist and said, “I’m sorry for you cannot enter either. You loved food far too much. So much so that you married a woman named Candy.”
Hearing this, the Baptist nervously turned to his wife and whispered, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”

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At the gates of Heaven

At the gates of Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted,

“It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

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Shall we gather at the river ?

Shall we gather at the river ?

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon.

With great expression, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

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Mad, passionate love

Mad, passionate love

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

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Time is relative

Time is relative

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the you-know-what out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

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Sleepy sermon

Sleepy sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said,

“Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.” And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

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The silent monastery

The silent monastery

Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: “Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words.”

Brother Baku said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Head Friar said. “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar.

“You may say another two words Brother Baku.”

“Cold Food.” said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed 2-words.

“I Quit.” said Brother Baku.

“It is probably best.” said the Head Friar. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here…..

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Enough is never enough

Enough is never enough

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse – a long shot – won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing.

Confronting him, he exclaimed, “Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you I’ve lost all my money!”
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
You aren’t Catholic are you my son?” “No, I’m Jewish.”

“That’s the problem”, said the Priest, “you couldn’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites 🙁 “

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