Married to god

Married to god

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect, Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

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Religion, Sexuality, Mystery

Religion, Sexuality, Mystery

A college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible. The only catch was the story had to include three subjects:

1: Religion
2: Sexuality
3: Mystery
Below is the only A* essay.

“Good god, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.”

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The Pope boards a plane

The Pope boards a plane

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’”

Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him.Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’”
“Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

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Priests out for a swim

Priests out for a swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

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Preacher’s salary

Preacher’s salary

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!”

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex.”

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?”

Sadie’s 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Screw the Preacher’.”

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Finally together

Finally together

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.  Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.  He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret …
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel  . . . her legs.”

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Can’t take that chance

Can’t take that chance

John went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, John’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificate in hand, John went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told John that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 he told John, and in most cases the persons responsible for the remains of their loved ones decide to bury the body in Israel, which would only cost $150.

John thought for some time and answered, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing John’s reply, said, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the
difference in price.”

“No, it’s not that,” says John. “You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

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Jesus born in a manger

Jesus born in a manger

A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read: “Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.

Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.

The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”

The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”

Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”

The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”

Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.

The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME SORRY ASS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A ROOM”

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Missing cock

Missing cock

Father O’Connor keeps chickens in a coup behind the church.  One Sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock’s gone missing.  He knows there’s been cock fighting in the village so at mass he questions the congregation.  “Has anybody got a cock”?  All the men stand up.  “No, No.  I meant, has anybody seen a cock”?  All the women stand up.  “No, No.  That’s not what I meant either.  Has anybody seen my cock”?  16 alter boys, two priests and a goat stood up…

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Four nuns

Four nuns

Four Nuns arrive at the Gates of Heaven, and saint Peter approaches them and says – Because of your deeds you have earned a position amongst our father, but first you must purge yourself of the sins you committed before you took your vows.

He lines them up in front of a basin filled with water – okay, sister Rosemary, let’s start with you –
– Me? but i’ve always been pure
– Seems like someone needs her memory refreshed – says saint Peter, and the nun goes red – when you were 17, that night with your boyfriend, your parents were out
– I touched his penis with my left pinky finger – says the nun, while turning a shade of purple.
– No problem – says saint Peter – just step forward, dip your finger into the holy water, and go on into heaven.
– Let’s see – says saint Peter – sister jude
– Me? that’s a mistake, I have never – says the nun, very nervously
– I wasn’t born yesterday – says saint peter, now a bit impatient – tell me, that ranch were you spent your summer holidays, the farmboy that lived there, one day in one of the barns… –
The nun turns orange – I grabbed his penis with this hand – she says
– Well go and dip your hand into the holy water –
While this is happening the last nun switches places with the one in front of her and saint peter catches her:
– There’s an order to things, sister
– That may be true saint Peter, but I’m washing my mouth before she washes her ass!

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