Everything but my ear rings!

Everything but my ear rings!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Birmingham and I need some help.
If I were to give you �20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

She replied:”Everything but my ear rings!”

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Enjoyed his 69 this morning

Enjoyed his 69 this morning

A guy is due to go for a dental appointment but before he leaves the house he wife drags him into bed and begs him for a 69.

He duly obliges and spends the next 30 minutes cleaning his teeth before going to the dentist.

His friendly dentist asks him if he enjoyed his 69 this morning and the guy asks him how did he know?

I mean I scrubbed my teeth and used a half bottle of mouthwash.Did you find a stray hair in my mouth or what?

No said the dentist there is a piece of shit stuck up your nose.

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Dear Santa …

Dear Santa …

A beautiful woman has a fantasy to have sex with Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the woman says in a sexy voice,
“Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
A surprised Santa replies, “Ho ho ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
The woman is determined to have her way with Santa and drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE!
Santa is starting to sweat..but replies again, “Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s gotta GO.., I have to deliver these toys to the kids, you KNOW.”
She takes off her bra and panties..now completely nude, says again. “Come on Santa..lets have some FUN..we’ll be done before the clock strikes ONE !
Santa, with a smile, finally says, “Hey Hey Hey, Santa’s gotta STAY, I can’t go up the chimney with my pecker this WAY!.”

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Once again at the doctor’s

Once again at the doctor’s

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!

The room erupted in applause.

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Rednecks

Rednecks

A small zoo in  Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. Herein, the Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.”

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second,” he said, “she must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” he said, “you can never tell any one about this.”

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Fourth,” Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.”

Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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Mad, passionate love

Mad, passionate love

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

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Neighborhood stud

Neighborhood stud

Son:”Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.
I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.

“The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later …
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:”Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.

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Ask for a pencil …

Ask for a pencil …

Two gay men are on a plane. Their names were Justin and Ryan.

“Dude, what if we had sex?” asks Justin.

“You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it.”

“Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!” Justin stands up and asks loudly: “Could I have a pencil, please?” Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

“They really wouldn’t care then, would they?” says Ryan.

So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives at the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

“Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag!” “I didn’t dare” whispers the old man. “A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass”.

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Hunting trip

Hunting trip

A man and his wife were enjoying dinner when his wife asked him “Honey, what would you like for your birthday?”. The man said that he would like her to go hunting with him, as it is his favorite thing to do and she has never gone with him. Much to his delight, she says that she would love to go with him this Saturday.

Saturday morning comes and the man’s alarm clock goes off at 3:30am. He leans over to give his wife and kiss and inform her that it is time to get up, to which she replies “please, can I sleep in 30 more minutes?”. The man says “Okay, I am going to go load up the truck, I will be back.”

30 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “Honey it is time to get up now.”. She replies “I am so tired, would you be upset if I just stayed home?”. The man says “God dammit this is my birthday present, but if you don’t want to go, fine. I won’t force you, but you are going to pick one of these 3 options as my present. 1. You get out of bed and willingly go hunting with me. 2. You let me fuck you in the ass. 3. You suck my dick.” After a brief pause, He says “I am going to go feed the dogs and get them loaded into the truck. You make your decision and I will be back in 15 minutes.”

15 minutes later the man comes back into the room and says “well, what did you decide?”. His wife says “Well, I am just too tired to go hunting with you, and there is no way I am going to let you fuck me in the ass, so pull your pants down so I can blow you before you leave.”. The man happily pulls his pants down and lets her go down on him.

After the wife finishes her duties, the man pulls up his pants and says “alright honey I will see you later, I love you.” The wife responds with “I love you too honey, but before you go, I have to ask… why does your dick taste so weird?” The man says “Well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”

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Retirement story

Retirement story

One day a man decided to retire…

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.”

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,” I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a Golf Course?”

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