Army time

Army time

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time!)

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Grandma and grandpa still got it!

Grandma and grandpa still got it!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this restaurant, where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’
Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well’.
‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk slowly, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming and both their bodies frantically moving with amazing energy. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that WASN’T an ELECTRIC fence !!

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The pickle slicer

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion… He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed..
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.
‘Yes, I did.’ he replied…
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh…she got fired too.

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Cost effective assassin

Cost effective assassin

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, “It’s going to cost you $1000 per bullet.”

The man says, “What if you miss?”

The assassin replies, “I don’t miss.”

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, “I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off.”

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, “Aren’t you going to shoot?”

The assassin replies, “Hold up, I think I can save you $1000.”

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Premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation

A woman went out for a first date and was upset when the bloke stood her up.

The next morning she called him to find out why.

“I’m really sorry,” he apologised. “The reason I didn’t turn up is that I suffer from premature ejaculation.”

Although she was still miffed, the sympathetic girl decided to hear him out.

“Thanks for being honest,” she said. “But why would premature ejaculation make you stand me up? It’s not like we were even having sex yet.”

“The thing is,” he sighed, “I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant. After that, I just didn’t see the point in paying for your dinner.”

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The best weight loss program

The best weight loss program

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.

After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.

Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week … he lost 34.

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The nudist colony

The nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony….

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, ‘Did you call for me?’

The man replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She says, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts…..

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, ‘Did you call for me?’ says the hairy man.

‘No, what do you mean?’ says the newcomer.

‘You must be new,’ says the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she says.

The man yells, ‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replies, ‘you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.’

The man replies, ‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!’

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The earring

The earring

John looked over at his coworker Tom. He noticed that he had an earring on one of his ears. Tom was usually a pretty conservative guy so John is curious. He approached Tom and asked him, “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s with the earring?”

Tom replied, “Don’t worry about it, it’s just an earring.”

John let it go for a few minutes but then his curiosity peaked again, “So how long have you been wearing and earring?”

Tom replied, “Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

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Golf in Japan

Golf in Japan

A man goes to a Japan on business and hires a prostitute for the night. He doesn’t speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, “Gama Su! Gama Su!” Assuming that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, “What do you mean wrong hole?”

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Flapping the towel

Flapping the towel

Seamus is having trouble making his wife orgasm during sex. No matter how hard he tries, fast, slow, pounding, doggy…nothing works.
Scared he may lose her he goes to see his doctor. The doctor says: “You need someone to flap a towel near you both when you have sex. It will keep your wife cool and comfortable and should help her come”.
So Seamus invites his best pal Paddy round to try flapping the towel while Seamus and his wife have sex. Seamus bangs away and paddy flaps the towel like crazy but still no orgasm from his wife.
“I have an idea,” says Seamus, “Let me flap the towel and you have sex with her, see if that works”.
Within 20 seconds, Seamus’s wife is writhing in pleasure, screaming and having orgasm after orgasm. Seamus leans over the bed to his mate and says. “That my son, is how you flap a fucking towel”.

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