The Dentist and the Girl

The Dentist and the Girl

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says:
“Yes …. How did you figure that out?”
“Easy..” she replies, you keep washing your hands.”
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it’s over the girl says: “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
“Sure – I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl replies:…. “Didn’t feel a thing.”

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Life choices

Life choices
I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the end of the bar. He looked worse for wear and kind of sad so I went over.

“Hey mate, you ok?” I asked.

“What a fucking day.” he moaned. “My boss wants to kill me, I lost my job and my family too – my wife wants a divorce and my kids won’t speak to me.”

“Fuck. What happened?”

“I went round to my boss’s place this morning. Drop some papers off. He’s not in but his old lady is. And she’s a looker, even at 56. Anyway, one thing leads to another and after a few drinks I’m fucking her up the ass on the kitchen table. Which is when the boss came in.”

“Ouch.” I winced. “Unlucky, mate. And the family bit?”

“Well I work for my father-in-law…”

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Confused

Confused

Two Welsh lads have been fined in Australia, for breaking into a waterpark for a swim with dolphins, before kidnapping a penguin and taking it home.
They must have been completely shitfaced to confuse that with a sheep.

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Microsoft way of life

Microsoft way of life

A man lived with his wife on the 20th floor. One day when he was at the office, his cheating wife called her boyfriend and they both engaged in a hot inferno of sex. The door bell interrupted the act and the wife peeked through door eye.

“Its my husband and he is early” she said…

“Shit, now what?”

“You just hold still and don’t move a muscle”

She opened the door and let the husband in…

He came in, threw the car keys and his jacket on the table and kissed his wife.

“Sweet heart! I’m hungry and I need to have sex right now!” he said.

“Oh honey! You’re so romantic, but I’m sorry I’m on my menstruation cycle today. I’ll fix something for you ASAP”

Suddenly the husband noticed the naked man on the floor in his bedroom.

“Who is that?”

“Ohh that? That’s a gift from my sister. Its a sex robot. She said I could use it while you are away” she replied and went into the kitchen.

The horny husband thought for a second and unzipped his pants after putting the  ROBOT in doggy position in his bed. As he was entering the robot, it started alarming…”Warning! Warning! Wrong application, malfunction expected.”

The husband startled and groaned in anger “Fucking shit, every sex instrument in this house is useless for me, but I should probably throw this one out of the window”

As he opened the window, the Robot realized that they were on the 20th floor. He started again…

“Software update available…..”

The husband stopped and stared at it while it said…

“Downloading data….”

“Installed! Now your desired portal is ready to use………”

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Miscommunication

Miscommunication

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe. “I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”

Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

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Moan and groan

Moan and groan

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”

Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?” “No not yet.”

Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. “Is it time for me to moan, Morris?” “Wait, I’ll tell you when.”

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”

“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!” 

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Three kinds

Three kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

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Yelling husband

Yelling husband
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell”.

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what problem is?”

“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up.”

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Code word for sex

Code word for sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

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Tyson vs. prostitute

Tyson vs. prostitute

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, “Well Mike, how’s it all going?”

“How’s it all going?” he asked. “My life’s a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I’m on parole and I’ve hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I’ve lost two world title fights, I’ve disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won’t pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse.”

“Oh, that’s so sad,” the prostitute said. “I’ll say one thing to cheer you up. You’re a much better lover than Magic Johnson!”

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