Just a bit busy

Just a bit busy

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, “You have the filthiest balls I’ve ever seen!”

The guy goes home to his wife and says, “I want to talk to you about something.”

She replies, “Not now, I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t even had time to wipe my ass!”

He says, “That’s what I want to talk to you about…”

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70 Years old grandma birthday present

70 Years old grandma birthday present

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”  She looked through the phone
book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a veryhandsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right  muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum…..

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.  “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . .. Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’ m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “9” for an outside line.”

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Dangerous job

Dangerous job

Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty in Piccadilly Circus and he sees one of the local queers mincing along with a bag in his hand.
The cop calls him over and says that the bag is a bit suspicious, whats in it?
The queer shows him the bag and there are three bottles in it.
The cop takes a bottle out, uncorks it and sniffs it, “Hmm beer” he says.
Takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs, “Ahh, paraffin”.
Take the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs.
He goes out like light! When he comes round he says. “Fuck me, what was in the third bottle”.
The queer answers. “Chloroform, makes your ass sore eh?”

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Father’s day prayer

Father’s day prayer

Father’s Day Prayer…

“Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer.  Amen.”

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Both of them !

Both of them !

Bruce calls into see his mate Robbo who has a broken leg. Robbo says,
“Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?”

“No worries,” Bruce says, and he runs upstairs and there are Robbo’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds
“G’day girls, your Dad sent me up here to fuck ya both.”  
“Piss off ya liar!”.
“I’ll prove it,” Bruce says.
So he shouts down the stairs, “BOTH OF THEM, ROBBO?”
“Of course ya idiot, , what’s the use of fuckin’ one?”

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My penis

My penis

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.

The husband, trying to embarass the wife, puts “PENIS” as password.

The next minute, the wife fell to the ground laughing. The screen error was: “Error. Not long enough”.

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Kinky sex

Kinky sex

A man and a woman are having a conversation at a bar. The man says to the woman “You know my wife left me because i was into kinky sex.”
The woman replies: “what a coincidence, my husband left me because i’m also into kinky sex. You know what, I have an idea, why don’t we go back to my place and get a little kinky?”

The man agrees and they go back to her appartment. The woman says: “you stay here while i go slip into something a little more comfortable.”

So the woman goes back into the bedroom and comes back out a few minutes later wearing a tight leather corset and carrying a whip, but the guy is walking out the door.

“What gives?” the woman says “I thought we were going to get kinky”

The man replys “Well i just fucked your cat and took a dump in your shoes, thanks,  it’s been a lovely evening.”

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Cowboy in a gay bar

Cowboy in a gay bar

A cowboy walks into a bar, but soon discovers that it is a gay bar

“But what the heck,” he says to himself, “I really want adrink.”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of
your penis?”
The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink. The
gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name
of your penis.
Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really
satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
second to think it over.
The cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,”Hey
bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile
“TIMEX.”
The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it
takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’!”A little shaken, the cowboy turns to
the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, “So,
what do you call yours?”
The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job
One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?”
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name for his manhood.Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
“The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer.” The bartender begins
to pour the cowboy a beer,but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?” The
cowboy says,”Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!”

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Death or Booka ?

Death or Booka ?

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams “DEATH BY BOOKA!”

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Mailman’s last day on the job

Mailman’s last day on the job

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

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