Pants are relative

Pants are relative

Yesterday my next door neighbor accused me of stealing washing off her line – said she was gonna call the cops…

I was so worried I nearly shit her pants!

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The tuna sandwich

The tuna sandwich

A funny new trend at the office: 
People putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

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Priceless

Priceless

New Miley Cyrus DVD: $15

Tub of Vaseline: $3

XL Box of Tissues: $2

The look of disgust on the cashier’s face as you pay: Priceless :-D

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What the hell was that all about?

What the hell was that all about?

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

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They fast

They fast

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

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Graveyard

Graveyard

Why are there fences around a graveyard?
Because people are dying to get in.

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10

10

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine, eight, seven …”

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Wishing well

Wishing well

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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Outlaws

Outlaws

What is the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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Questions

Questions

What’s the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girl’s track team?

The tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

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