Hold on, let me get my hat

Hold on, let me get my hat

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.
The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.” His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to.
The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”
He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

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Discipline was not a problem!

Discipline was not a problem!

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

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Hunting for ducks

Hunting for ducks

Curly went hunting one day up in the Northern Territory and bagged three ducks.  He put them in the back of his Pickup and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn’t like hunters.

The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting licence, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory licence.  The game warden looked at the licence, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, “This duck ain’t from The Territory.  This is a Queensland duck.  You got a Queensland huntin’ licence?”

Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland licence.  The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said “This ain’t a Queensland duck.  This duck’s from West Australia.  You got a West Australian huntin’ licence?”

Curly reached into his wallet and produced a West Australian hunting licence.  The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, “This ain’t a Western Australian duck.  This duck’s from South Australia.  You got a South Australian Huntin’ licence?”

Again Curly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Australian licence.  The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly “just where the hell are you from?”

Curly smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, *”You tell me.  You’re the expert…”*

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Lost my teeth last night

Lost my teeth last night

I was in the “Texas Rose” tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a big o’l, butt-ugly heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said,  “Hey sexy, I dig old guys — how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do”.

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday

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Boyfriend – parent opinion

Boyfriend – parent opinion

My daughter was asking for my opinion regarding her boyfriend, so I told her that I’m frankly did not like him and she should stop seeing him.

“Is it because of his job? So what if he is a store clerk, he earns his money decently and honestly.”
“No, its not his job.”

“Then what, you don’t like the way he dresses?”
“No, I’m fine that.”

“Ok, is it because he has a tattoo, that is so common these days.”
“No, the tattoo is his choice, and I’ve got no problems with that.”

“Then what, do you think he has a drug problem?”
“No.”

“Then why don’t you just tell me what you don’t like about Ahmed.”

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Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:  Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn

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Revenge is a dish best served …

Revenge is a dish best served …
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don”t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.” And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added. “What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. !!
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Word play

Word play
My parents have gone to India with some friends.

Mumbai?

No, she’s straight, but I don’t think it’s that kind of trip anyway.

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The Matchmaker

The Matchmaker
A matchmaker was telling to a young but poor man, “There is a beautiful elderly lady who is widowed who owns a fortune and is looking for a young man to marry. She is gentle and also has a twenty year old daughter.”

The man said,”I would rather marry the daughter in that case”.

The matchmaker replied, “But if you marry the daughter, you will get an irritating and ugly old hag for a mother-in-law”.

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Wise old Chief

Wise old Chief

An old Cherokee Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done…”

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:

“When white man found the land, Indians were running it with no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women.”

The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?”

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