Why trick or treat is better than sex

Why trick or treat is better than sex

10)  You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9)  If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8)  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7)  You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6)  It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else…because you are.
5)  Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4)  If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.
3)  It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2)  Less guilt the morning after.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX……

1)  YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD

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Still believe in goblins

Still believe in goblins

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me!”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”

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New girlfriend

New girlfriend

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It’s obvious, she can’t hold down a fucking job …

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Dangerous job

Dangerous job

Its 2.30am and a policeman is on duty in Piccadilly Circus and he sees one of the local queers mincing along with a bag in his hand.
The cop calls him over and says that the bag is a bit suspicious, whats in it?
The queer shows him the bag and there are three bottles in it.
The cop takes a bottle out, uncorks it and sniffs it, “Hmm beer” he says.
Takes the second bottle out, uncorks and sniffs, “Ahh, paraffin”.
Take the third bottle, uncorks it and sniffs.
He goes out like light! When he comes round he says. “Fuck me, what was in the third bottle”.
The queer answers. “Chloroform, makes your ass sore eh?”

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No fucking icecream

No fucking icecream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, “I’d like a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

The counter man says, “I know that this may sound strange, but we don’t have any chocolate ice cream. We ran out and the delivery truck hasn’t arrived yet.”

She says, “In that case, I’ll have half a gallon of chocolate ice cream.”

“Ma’am, I just told you that I’m sorry, we don’t have any chocolate ice cream.”

“Okay, then I’ll have a pint of chocolate ice cream.”

“Look lady, I said we don’t have ANY chocolate ice cream.”

“That’s okay, I’ll have an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate.”

The counter man is absolutely livid and says, “Lady, how do you spell the
‘straw’ in strawberry?”

She says, “S-T-R-A-W.”

“Right, now how do you spell the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

“V-A-N.”

“Great, now how do you spell the ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”

She says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, THERE IS NO FUCKIN’ CHOCOLATE!”

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In the middle of the night

In the middle of the night

Then out of the night came a terrible scream …

“Who the fuck put the sand in the vaseline ??!!??!!”

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For the smart ones :)

For the smart ones :)

They notice four people entering the elevator, a little while later five people step out of it.

The biologist says: “Oh, they must have reproduced.”

The physicist says: “Hmmm, a measurement inaccuracy of up to 20 percent is still fine.”

The mathematician says: “Well, now one person needs to enter the lift for it to be empty.”

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Radio contest

Radio contest

A radio station is offering a round the world trip if you can come up with a word thats not in the dictionary and can be put into a sentence. A jamacian calls and says “ma word is guan, spelt g.u.a.n and ma sentence is “guan fuck yourself!” DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners! 5 mins later a guy calls and said “Ma word is Smee, spelt s.m.e.e. The DJ says ok, now what is your sentence. The guy says “smee again, guan fuck yourself” !!!

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You never will

You never will

Jack and Jill were just married … Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill “try these on”… Jill said “they’re too big”, Jack said “exactly … I wear the trousers and always will … So Jill took her knickers off and said “try these on” … Jack said “I will never get into them” … Jill said “Exactly and if you dont change your f*cking attitude … you never will”

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For sale

For sale

FOR SALE!! Complete set of encyclopaedias, 45 volumes. Excellent condition! £1000 O.N.O. No longer needed, got married…wife knows fuckin everything!!

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