Napping

Napping

A recent study from Tokyo university shows that taking naps regularly will make you live longer, expecially if you do not take them while driving.

Read More

Moved away

Moved away

Kenny Dalglish (Liverpool manager) is looking for some new talent to play up front in the squad.  He calls all of his talent scouts together and tells them “I don’t care how far you have to go, but I want the best striker you can find.  Someone who can put the ball in the net from anywhere on the field”

A few weeks go by and he gets a call from one of the scouts, “I’ve found what your looking for” the scout says “just one problem though….He is in Iraq”.   Kenny says “No worries, we will sort it out!”

A couple of weeks later the Iraqi Striker is sitting on the subs bench waiting for his chance.  Liverpool are playing Manchester United and are 3 nil down when their striker get injured and stretchered off.  Kenny send the iraqi boy onto the pitch saying “Now’s your chance son, show me what you got…”

Couple of minutes later, BAM, Beautiful goal.  Then another.  A nice header into the top right corner, now 3-3.  Finally a Penalty kick making it 4-3 to Liverpool.

Next day the newspapers have a field day, the iraqi kid is plastered all over the sports pages.  Total celebrity status.

The kid being really proud of himself decides call home and tell his mum, “Mum, Mum, I scored four goals in my first match, I’m all over the news papers, they are treating me like a hero!”

The mum says “thats great son, let me now tell you about my day….  You’re father got shot in the street today.  One of your sisters is now working as a prostitute for a local gangster.  Your brother joined a gang and got arrested and beaten up by the police and your other sister got gang raped in an alleyway!”

“Mum, thats terrible, Im really sorry!”

“Sorry?…..Sorry?…..Its your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”

Read More

20 000 $ prize

20 000 $ prize

A spic in San Diego gets pulld over by a police officer in a routine control…

Congratulations the officer said, you’ve just won $ 20 000!
Why’s that ?  Wondered the spic.
You’re the first we’ve pulled over all year that is using the seat belt, tell me what are you gonna do with the money? Asked the officer.

I’ve always dreamed of having a drivers license …
His girlfriend next to him quickly said: Mr Policeman please, he doesn’t know what he’s saying when he’s drunk…
I knew we would never get very far with this stolen car, his friend mutters…

Allright, everybody out, you’re coming with me to the station! The officer says.
And as they’re entering the police car a voice from the trunk quietly whispers:

Hey esse, aren’t we over the border yet ?  I’m gettin thirsty…

Read More

Australian poetry

Australian poetry

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal.They were given a word,then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.The word they were given was “TIMBUKTU”
First to recite his poem was the university graduate…He stepped up to the microphone and said;
Slowly across the desert sand,trekked a lonely caravan,Men on camels two by two…..Destination – TIMBUKTU.

The audience went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and  Tim a huntin”went, Met three whores in a pop up tent,They were three and we was two,
So I bucked one,and TIMBUKTU………..

The aboriginal won…………………………………..

Read More

Cowboy

Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies,”I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you”re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing”s an hour fast.”

Read More

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”. I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”. I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”. “OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and coworkers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…

Read More

What does a vagina look like ?

What does a vagina look like ?

A young boy once asked his father “dad, what does a vagina look like?”

The father ponders this and replys “well son, do you mean before or after sex?”

The boy ask “before”

The father says “have you ever seen a pink rose with soft petals?”

The boy replys “yeah, well what about after sex?”

“Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?”

Read More

I hate this cat !

I hate this cat !

A man hates his wife’s cat, so one day he drives to the next town and dumps it.  By the time he returns home the cat is already back.  Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it again, but the cat is back again.  Finally, he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.  Hours later he phones the wife and says “is the cat there?”  “Yes” replies the wife.  “Put the fucker on, I’m lost”!

Read More

King’s test

King’s test

A King is dying. He tells his three sons to go out on a hunt and sell a duck for profit. He who makes the most shall inherit the kingdom.

So the Eldest goes out, Kills a duck goes to market, sells it for 2 bucks. Returns to his father and tells him of his deed
The middle son goes out, Kills a duck goes to market, sells it for 5 bucks. Returns to his father and tells him of his deed

The youngest son goes out, kills a duck, but on the way to the market he is approached by a young lady who asks him, ill give you a fuck for that duck. The boy aggress and at it they go. After they finish the boy feels a bit bad and say’s I really need that duck, so how bout I give you a fuck for that duck.. The girl thinks for a second, and aggrees, So off they go again. The boy feeling much better about himself, returns to the trail to start walking when out of no-where a wagon comes flying around the corner, he drops the duck and runs to the side. The wagon rolls right over the top completely fucking the duck.
The driver gets out and sees the face on the boy, apologises greatly and then offers him 25 bucks.

The boy quickly runs home to his father. Father Father, the kigs responds, how did you go my son.

Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 25 bucks for a fucked up duck.

Read More

The story of my life

The story of my life

Goes like this …

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I
would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but
there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with
a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl,
but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable
girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a
girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy.  She was great fun
initially and very energetic,but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits, long legs and a fine ass…

Read More
Page 4 of 7« First...23456...Last »