Headache cure

Headache cure

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time,
and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called
the fellow into his office and said, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what is
causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be
castrated.” The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor
that he believed he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor
fellow was driven back to the doctor. “All right, I guess I’ll have the
operation,” he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably
depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life
anew–start over from this point.”

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set
of clothes. The proprietor said, “Starting with the suit, looks like you
take about a 38-regular.” “That’s right,” exclaimed the man, “how’d you
know?” “Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get
pretty good at sizing a man up,” replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt,
looks like about a 15 long.” “Right again,” the man said. The proprietor
suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.” “There’s your first
mistake,” the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.” “No, you’re a size 36 if
I’ve ever seen one,” said the owner. The man replied, “I ought to know what
size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.” The owner replied “Well all
right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you
headaches!”

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Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says ” you don’t know jack schitt.”

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the
only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner
of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt,
and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently
returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “you don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can correct them

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Pussy and bitch

Pussy and bitch

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”

The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”

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Another seven important men

Another seven important men

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life:

1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”

7. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

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Toes would rise

Toes would rise

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner’s toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, “Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don’t?”

“Silly,” she replied, “I take my pantyhose off in the shower!”

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Shake the Coke bottle

Shake the Coke bottle

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“Take your thumb off the end!!”

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Genie in a bottle

Genie in a bottle

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: “What the hell is that?”  The guy next to him replies:  “He’s a pianist!”, to which the drunk replied: “Horse shit, your pulling my leg” So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks: “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him”? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks “I wish for a million bucks”. All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing “You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.” The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed “It seems the genie is a bit deaf, you don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”

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Grandpa at the doctor’s

Grandpa at the doctor’s

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

“I’ve got an eighteen-year old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

“That’s impossible!”, says the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”

The Doctor says, “My point exactly.”

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Healing the sick

Healing the sick

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

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Little John and April

Little John and April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

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