Best quote ever

Best quote ever

Best T-Shirt Quote of the year.

“I dont need sex”

My Govt. fucks me everyday.

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The new neighbor

The new neighbor

Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving”
New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly”
Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”
New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”
New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1: “That is right”
New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1: “Right again”
New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife”
Neighbor 1: “Correct”
New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual”
Neighbor 1: “Yup”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1: “Cool”

Later that same day…

Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door”
Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”
Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job”
Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University”
Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that”
Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2: “No”
Neighbor 1: “Fag.”

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How to start a fight …

How to start a fight …

One year, I  decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The  next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t  used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s  how the fight started…..
_______________________________
My  wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”  while  we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want  to  have Sex?’  ‘No,’ she answered.  I then said,  ‘Is that your  final  answer?’  She  didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’  So I  said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And  that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I  took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took  my  order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”  He  said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”  “Nah,  she can order for herself.”

And  that’s when the fight started…..
________________________________
My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,  and  she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he  sat  alone at a nearby table.  I  asked her, “Do you know him?”  “Yes”,  she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took  to  drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear  he  hasn’t been sober since.”  “My  God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And  then the fight started…
________________________________
When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me  that  I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always   had  something else to take  care  of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something  more  important  to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When  I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,  busily  snipping  away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for  a  short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,  and  when  I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you  finish  cutting  the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The  doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a  limp.
_______________________________
My wife sat  down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on  TV?”  I said, “Dust.”

And then  the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and  slipped  quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van,  and  proceeded  to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing  50  mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then  I  discovered  that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the  house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my  wife’s  back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The  weather  out  there is terrible.”

My  loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid  husband  is  out fishing in that?”

And  that’s how the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was  hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said,  “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3  seconds.” I bought  her a bathroom scale.

And then  the fight started……
_______________________________
After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social  Security.

The woman  behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my  age. I  looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told  the  woman that  I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman  said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my  curly  silver  hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’  and  she  processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly  told  my wife  about my experience at the Social Security office…She said, ‘You  should  have  dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then  the fight started…
________________________________
My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not  happy  with  what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I  really  need  you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.”

And  then the fight started……..

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Virgin on a date

Virgin on a date

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said “grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his.”

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Dirty talk

Dirty talk

Wife: Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, bathroom, my clothes!

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Jack with 2 black eyes

Jack with 2 black eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: “Jack, what happened to you?!?” “It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn’t like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!”

“Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?”

“Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in…”

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Three dreams

Three dreams

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects…

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Little Johnny – sex ed

Little Johnny – sex ed

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!” “Two of them?!” the teacher asked. “Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”

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Old chinese proverb

Old chinese proverb

Old chinese proverb says: “Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok”

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Convict breaks into a house

Convict breaks into a house

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.  He jumps on the wife and kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.  The husband whispers to his wife “satisfy him or he’ll kill us.  I saw the way he kissed you… just be strong, I love you”.  The wife replies “he didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he’s gay, horny and looking for Vaseline.  I told him “it’s in the bathroom.  Let’s see who’s fuckin’ strong now”?

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