Because you got an F

Because you got an F

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”

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Hickory dickory dock

Hickory dickory dock

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’ ”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock…”

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What they want and what they get

What they want and what they get

What women want

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What they get

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says “I Do”, beginning with the wedding cake!

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I’ll have it enlarged

I’ll have it enlarged

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

“Well, I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need that towel,” says the husband.

“I just feel more comfortable this way,” the wife responds.

“But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state,” continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. “I’ll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time,” he responds and gets his picture then heading for a shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

“Why are you wearing that towel now – I want a photo of you in return,” demands the wife. The Husband does as he’s told, the photo’s taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

“What will you do with this photo of me, then?” asks the husband.

The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. “I’ll have it enlarged,” she finally responds.

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Pink bits taste amazing!

Pink bits taste amazing!

Scientists have found that women share the same DNA as prawns. Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste amazing!!

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Everything but my ear rings!

Everything but my ear rings!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Birmingham and I need some help.
If I were to give you �20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’

She replied:”Everything but my ear rings!”

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Bowling again!

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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Rodeo sex

Rodeo sex

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It’s when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear “Your sister was better than you…”, and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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Gary and Mary

Gary and Mary

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”

Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!” The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”

Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”

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Screw for that hinge

Screw for that hinge

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom, Joe Bob yelled “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?’ To which Mary Louise replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

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